I'm lovin' it...sorta

This card pretty much sums up my love life, and it made me laugh. I think I'm gonna do it - change my attitude to be oh yeah I don't WANT to date. So there.
My year of being on Match.com is over, and in the whole time I think I went on like 4 dates total (none of which even ended in a goodnight kiss!). So that didn't work out for me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. I know meeting someone at work is out, since it's only women and children. But online dating didn't go anywhere for me either. People are saying things like, maybe you weren't on the right site, or maybe it just isn't the right time. Ok so if it's not the right time, what am I supposed to do with myself?
So far I have kept myself busy decorating my new place, and it's very nice. Very non-post grad and grown up. Almost like having a house. And I do so love my new grown up space. I almost am afraid of getting a boyfriend because I want to spend some time enjoying my new stuff before I move in with someone and have to merge my things lol. See that's that attitude shift. :)

So far on Christmas break I've done a lot of nothing. Just enjoying my peace and quiet and my grown up things.  I have procrastinated doing grades/report cards twice already and I feel like that's still Ok because I have time left yet. I know it will fly, I know. But I just don't want to.  Sister and the baby come in tomorrow and they will be here for a week so I will spend the next week hanging with the family. A family that didn't exist this time last year (sister was "just dating" the now husband, and the nephew wasn't on the radar yet)  so if anything that gives me hope that just because I'm in "Don't date December" right now, doesn't mean that I won't have my own family soon enough.
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my new couch. :)

Happy Holidays loves.

Back from outer space

And now I'm Back - from outer space....

I decided I am going to start blogging again, because my Doctor said I need to get some hobbies. I think writing qualifies. Plus, if I am ever going to become an internationally best-selling author, I better get to work.

Speaking of work, I have this habit this year of obsessively checking my work email from home. Why do I do this? There can't possibly be anything GOOD that was sent to me after 5:45pm the last time I checked it. Deal with/stress over parent emails at home? Good choice Sarah. Really good choice. But I can't stop. I check my work email as often as I check facebook.  Weird.

Last night I spent probably close to 2 hours organizing my pinterest pin boards. Yep, that was a good use of time as well.

Oh, I am totally going to ignor the fact that this blog has been silent for like 6 months or something. I'm going to just jump in and not try to go back and fill you in on what's been going on.

Here is the executive summary:

I still teach 2nd grade and the same school as last year.
My super cute nephew was born in July. He's adorable and I love him.
I moved to a new apartment that I hate significantly less than where I have been living. There are still maybe 10 boxes of things that aren't unpacked. I moved the beginning of August. Yep. I've been busy.
This school year has been hella hard. Not just for me, like for everyone.
It's report card conference season, so I'm a basket case (more so than usual).


OK so last bit of news -  in 30 days my 1 year match.com subscription expires. In the year, I have been on dates with 4 men. 4. 1 I already knew from high school and I think it was a friend meet up not a date. Only 2 had repeat dates (1 I saw twice, 1 I saw 3 times). At the end of NONE of these dates did I even get a kiss. I feel like I have failed at match. Like maybe getting married is just not in the cards for me. It makes me wicked sad. So I have re-written my profile like 3 times this week just trying to get any sort of bite of interest and maybe one last date before I expire. I will not be spending money to renew my membership at this time. It's been a year, no one wanted to love me, guess I'll go eat worms.... Plus I'm kind of poor and I desperately want to get my debt paid down like yesterday so I'm not gonna pay for not dating right now. My mom paid for my first 6 months, and with the store (oh, did I mention my dad opened a post/copy/ship store in our town? And now my parents are wicked poor? like taking money out of their retirement account every month to cover bills until the store becomes profitable, no christmas, poor? Apparently it is very difficult to live on one teacher's salary. I should know, since it's what I live on too. so that happened). Anyway, with the store now my parents can't finance my lack of love life at this time.

That's all for today my friends. I'm gonna blog more. I'm gonna stress less. And now I'm going to go finish report cards, conference forms, and lesson plans (probably a 4-5 hours project). Or take a nap first. Maybe nap. :)

~ Sarah

whore logic

I've written this post like 30 times in my head, and for awhile thought I had already posted it. So forgive the disjointed-ness.  Here we go...

I was selected for jury duty. (Yes, this is now almost 2 full weeks ago, where did summer go!?) I'm expected to say it was horrible, but it totally wasn't. It was kinda cool. And a little awesome. And both boring/tedious and interesting/exciting at the same time. Yes I spent 4 full days trapped in a room with 11 other people I didn't know. It was nothing at all like TV - not fast paced, or very action packed. But it was a little fun. And I feel bad saying that, since obviously for the defendant (who was very, very guilt) it was so not fun. I have a much better understanding of how the justice system ACTUALLY works (way different that in theory). So where does the title of this blog come from? Tucker Max.

See, I went to jury duty the day I got back from spending the weekend in VA hosting my sister's baby shower (more on that later). Whenever I go on a plane trip I load up my nook with books so I have plenty to read on the plane. I loaded Tucker Max's last book (and a half) on my nook and never got around to reading them. So every time we got sent into the deliberation room so the lawyers could hash out some legality of a motion or witness or just object at each other off the record (we spent more time in this room than the actual court. Yea.) I was reading Hilarity Ensues (and Sloppy Seconds). And man is Tucker Max right- going to law school is a stupid decision if it ends in being a lawyer. I'm pretty sure the lawyers were more miserable than the dude about to go to prison. It was really kind of perfect to be reading HE/SS during jury duty. It made all the objecting funnier. And the logic the defense attorney was trying to use? Whore logic if I ever heard it. SO much whore logic.

Which led me to my goal for the summer. I want to be hot (read:skinny) enough for Tucker Max to want to sleep with me. Yes, it's a little vague. As previously mentioned I lost 22 pounds this year (birthday to birthday). But since summer started and I ruined my sleep schedule and metabolism, (also I blame jury duty- sitting and snacking!) somewhere between 3 and 5  5 and 7 pounds is slipping back on. I don't feel like I look all that different than last year - my face is still fat. But I have worn 3 dresses this month that I bought and last wore almost 3 years ago! 2 dress sizes down and I still feel kinda gross. So my goal is that if I ran into Tucker Max (or ya know, any other asshole type guy) they wouldn't call me fat. I re-upped my personal training and have even been going to the gym voluntarily. Now I just have to get my eating habits under control. I'm pretty sure laying in bed until I'm starving to death and then eating the fastest (usually carb packed) option to avoid dying is not a good plan.

Anyway, I have some more but it requires uploading pictures so I'll save it for later. Off to work on my body.

:)

Balls to the wall...sorta

Someone asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. My response? "I wanna go balls to the wall, but only for like 2 hours. Then I want to go to bed."
Yep. Lame. I am getting old and it's showing. Going out and getting crazy is soo not in my game plan. As it was, I had a fantastic birthday (week) with plenty of cake and good friends.  As far as birthdays go, Facebook is helpful- as much as it is sometimes surprising to see who DOES wish you a happy birthday, it is almost as surprising who DOESN'T wish you a happy birthday. I was a little shocked at who didn't, but I guess that's how you know who your true friends are. At least I know.  My good friends did treat me right (and put up with my over enthusiasm about my special week day). SO thank you.
I had a bit of a problem with my candles. You see, for the last 3 years I have always used my birthday wish to wish for a job. A contract. To teach. This year, I already have my contract for next year, so I was at a loss for what to wish for. I think I may have wasted my wish. Oh well.

OH! I officially lost 22 pounds this year - from birthday to birthday. Still some work to do, but a pretty good year!
---
Cool feeling- when you think you are talking to one person on text, and it turns out you are actually talking to someone else. Moral of the story? I know too many people named Matt.
---
In other news, Friday I kidnapped Courtney and made her run errands with me. While we were driving, this happened.  (paraphrased to the best of my memory)

Flo Rida- Wild Ones on the radio

Me: this song is so dirty, but I love it. Especially the home run part.

Courtney: What? This song is about true love.

Me: Um, No. How exactly do you get that?

Courtney: She says "If I took your HEART it'd be a home run" Like, you're a player but if you gave me your heart it would be the real thing.

Me: Oh no. She says, "If I took you HOME it'd be a home run" Like if you come home with me you will totally tap this. It's about hooking up. in a wild way.

Courtney: ..... you just totally ruined this song for me.


HAHA this is my life people. :) Hope you enjoyed.

2 weeks left of school, so forgive me for this all being a bit disjointed. My brain is fried.

I got it!!

Hello friends! I have no idea how this will turn out because I am writing it on my phone (not even on an app or anything) because my computer hates blogger suddenly. Wtf. Anyway just stopped by to give you important employment updates. For the first time in at least 4 summers, I don't have to look for a job!!!! I signed my contract today so at least I know I get to stay at my school this year!! I am so relieved and unburdened and happy and excited and validated. I am happy this is the school I get to stay (at)*. *too excited to change this sentence structure but I do recognize it- haven't totally lost my mind lol. My face is especially thankful, as my stress pimples were developing their own stress pimples. My shoulders are lighter and I get to stop worrying!! Now I just have to cross my fingers I get to stay in second grade-- grade assignments coming later. Whoo!!! In other news (yes I have some!) I started my trial week at crossfit* (I have no idea why my iphone keeps autocorrecting crossfit to crissfit, but I'm working on it. Then I couldn't figure out how to edit the post on my phone. So if you see me type crissfit, know I mean crossfit. K thanks)*. I'm sore and tired but I think I'll really like it. Also I totally cannot breathe due to allergies (I think) and my dr won't refill my Rx until I go see him - it is possible I haven't seen him in like 2 years... So that has to happen soon. Soo did I mention I signed my contract? Just wanted to make sure. Thanks for all your support! It's been a great year. Love- me. :)

cuteness

So I have a quasi-serious question for my blog-friends. I have been on match for 5 months now, and no one wants to date me. I only have one more month of the 6 month guarantee -match executives think I should have found love by now. I have been on 2 dates and one "lets grab coffee and catch up" with someone I knew from high school (so I'm not sure it counts). I haven't been dating like I'm paying for a dating service...and now I feel very defeated. So now I have to ask.

What's wrong with me?
Am I not cute?

 I used to think I was a pretty cute girl. Not conventionally pretty, no one would mistake me for a model, but I thought I was moderately good looking. Now I used to be really skinny. I know that in the past few years I have put on some weight, but other than some squishy middle parts I don't think I'm horribly repulsive or anything. The boys I have dated were of average build. Not ripped like an abercrombie model, but without many squishy parts if you know what I mean. I know the boys I have dated had a certain bad boy look, but they were pretty cute. Not ugly or anything. I just don't understand. All the people on match who have been interested in me, are NOT CUTE. I'm not attracted to them. But they want me. There seems to be something about me that 200-300 lb men love. I've never been into the big and round look. I'm trying not to be mean and superficial, I know big kids need love too. And I'm not trying to throw stones, I know I'm not at my fighting weight. But seriously? The boys who I think are cute (based on profile pictures that let's be honest could be fake) always say "no thanks" or don't respond to me. Making me more confused about the situation. I just am not into guys I can't physically put my arms around to hug. So do I need to lose more weight to get the guys I want? Or is this what I'm stuck with. Am I really just not cute.
Help!

Evolution of a painting

Have you heard of the new trend? It's painting classes where they encourage you to be drinking while trying to copy a painting. It's pretty fun. There are a few different places where you can do this around, each with a clever name. I have gone twice now - once with work and one with twin (she's totally addicted and is trying to go to each different chain to find the best. Then I think we will need to get her a 12 step program or something lol). I really like it. I think it's supposed to be relaxing (what with the drinking) but it is really a roller coaster of emotions! Perfectionists need not apply as it can become a little frustrating.
After thinking about it last night (because I haven't been sleeping) I have come up with the evolution of painting.
Enjoy.

Arrive at class, examine sample.
"I can totally do this. I will hang it in the hall, or maybe my living room. People will ohh and ahh and tell me how artistic I am. This night will be amazing."
Class starts.
"OK, so I'm not quite getting the same color. Blending is hard. Oh no I went too far to the left. Crap. I suck. Maybe if I blend over here a little....nope too much."
"Oh I can just add a little over here and then it's great. Back on track, almost looks like what the teacher is doing. I rock!"
Looks at neighbor's painting
"How did she get that shading? I am a failure at art. I suck. My color is not as "bouncy" (yes, real word the instructor used last night) as that. I'll just go back over with some more of that secondary color."
"CRAP CRAP CRAP. I ruined it. This is going strait into the garbage."
Move on to next section.
"Oh we are going over this part with a tree. I love trees. I will rock at trees."
"Trees are stupid. Branches are stupid. Shading is stupid."
"I'll just dab some more paint over here. flowers/leaves will fix everything."
"Too much!! Abort abort. Crap. Ruined."
Finished!
"This looks nothing like the sample. and nothing like anyone's in the room. I suck."

Home
"From far away, and in the dark... it doesn't look half bad. I am an artist." :)

Here are the pictures from my two experiences. I both love and hate them. They are incidentally both still in the trunk of my car.

Stress management

It's the earliest I've been home from school in a long. long. time.

Today my principal forwarded an email from the professional development department with a flier for a stress management class. I laughed out loud. My first thought was wow I should really take this. Then I remembered I almost failed my stress management class in college. Oh yea, that easy A? Not for me. Total C. Second worst grade I got in college was in stress management. So obviously I am not so good at the managing stress game.
Not to belabor the point, but you know what would make me a whole lot less stressed? a contract. just saying.

SO back to my first sentence. I left school today. While it was light outside.

Stress - Managed.


:)

(concise post accomplished!)

Random Awesome

In case you can't tell, there is A LOT on my mind today.

Really, what happened is I cleared out my DVR over spring break, and now I have NOTHING to watch. Which has left me with two options - do something, or find other distractions.

I did FINALLY clean and organize my bathroom. A chore, that if you look back, I actually started telling you blog friends I was going to do in JULY. And it has actually stayed organized and clean for a whole week!!! This is pretty spectacular. Picture soon.
I have done 1 1/2 loads of laundry today (waiting on the dryer to finish so I can fold it and move the load in the washer to the dryer). I lightly cleaned my kitchen, made a pot of iced tea, and tried a crock pot recipe (that sadly did not turn out well at all and I'll have to try again to scrounge up some dinner pretty soon). I even vacuumed a little and mopped my kitchen floor.  I NEED to get cracking on some grading and portfolio organizing so that I don't get behind again. I really want to go through and organize some math and writing papers, but dude it's just so overwhelming. I need to go grocery shopping, but leaving the house requires a bra and real pants and I am still getting over being sick all week and really am just not up for that.

In my travels on the internet today I found THE most amazing thing ever. I have loved Jen Lancaster (author, blogger, Queen of awesome) for several years now. Bitter is the New Black helped me get through the summer/fall of 2008 and my own unemployment woes. I have been to several book signings and my entire collection of Jen is signed (except her fiction book, which is on my nook). In my blog reading travels I have discovered and read Jenny Lawson's blog theblogges. She's probably like the Arch Duchess of Awesome (only because I've "known" Jen longer). Jenny is local - she writes for the Houston Chronicle in her spare time and lives in Texas. These two ladies are amazing. So the greatest thing ever --- THEY INTERVIEWED EACH OTHER!!! OMG! My two female literary idols talked to each other! I know it's cross promotion (both authors have new books coming out in May, and yes I will be buying both of them. Happy Birthday to ME.) Read the interviews here: JL interviews JL and here:jenny interviews jen (I just realized they are both JL how cool is THAT?!) Jen is skipping Houston on her upcoming book tour this year (BOO! but in all seriousness, in years past it's been at the now closed Borders, so I guess there wasn't a place for it.) BUT Jenny WILL be in Houston (I mean duh, she lives here) on her book tour and I am so there. Yes, I am the kind of english nerd that goes to book signings. Multiple book signings. And has literary idols. And has a tattoo that is from a book. Yep. Nerd alert.  And yet, I haven't read Hunger Games OR the Dragon Tattoo books. Someday.

In other news- I am in the Teacher dance for the school talent show. At practice I learned, that even though I danced for 17 years, I am TOO WHITE to do the party rock shuffle (which, p.s., I didn't know existed until two days ago). As much dancing as I have done in my past, I am currently uncoordinated. It will be a sight to see my friends.

If I am ever going to be a seriously followed blogger like my idols, I should probably learn how to have concise, focused posts. So I'll wrap up for now.

:)

positively negative

I will freely admit I do not always have the best self talk (I think that's the clinical term for how you think about yourself). I worry. A lot. About everything. I'm good at thinking about the worst case scenario. I don't always feel super confident about my decisions or myself. But really, honestly, I think I've been doing a whole lot better than I have been. I have truly been working on having a more positive outlook on things. I didn't know "being positive" excludes being able to what if about problems. Does being positive mean you aren't allowed to think about possible negative outcomes? Cuz in real life, negative outcomes exist. That's not being negative. That's being realistic. In my opinion. 

Some posts recently have been perceived as negative. Even my close friends don't necessarily see what I see, which is a more positive me. For the record, I know tone is hard to get on the internet (I wrote a thesis paper about it). But I had a positive tone when I wrote my high school reunion post. I don't think it's negative to be truthful about the past. I am uncomfortable being around people from my school because I don't know what they've heard. That's not negative, that's honest. And sadly it's not paranoid to think that because a lot of people heard a lot of things - both about me and my sister, and most people can't tell us apart. Most of my reasons having to do with looks or job status were laced with sarcasm-which I know is hard to read online. Would I like to lose more weight? Hells yea! But I think I look tons better than I did last year this time. Would I like to be rich and famous? It could be nice-but I so so love my job, I mean I keep fighting to be able to do it. Then, I thought it was wildly hilarious that the only reason I would go is peer pressure. How very high school. :) 

Anyway, I think I've been doing a really good job of being positive. I got through February pretty much unscathed(a good benchmark for me). Do I worry? For sure. I was watching Oprah's interview with Paula Deen. Apparently Paula D. was super poor growing up and her family was evicted several times. Now she is obviously very well off and this is not really an eminent possibility for her. Oprah asked her if, with as much money as she has now, she ever feels comfortable or secure. Paula said no. The fear of being evicted or not having enough money to eat is always with her in the back of her mind. I tell you this because it really rung true for me. I know it is slightly ridiculous to be worried about not getting a contract this year. But if you haven't been laid off, it's hard to understand. 2 years in a row this happened to me. Irrational or not, I think until I get a contract it will be a fear. I don't think I can feel any job security until someone gives me some. NO MATTER how awesome I know I am. I don't think that's being negative, I think that's part of how the human mind works. Once bitten, twice shy the saying goes. Well, twice bitten, paranoid always. So yes, I second guess every decision I make at work because I have been laid off for stupid reasons, no reason at all, and things entirely out of my control. 

I do think (leaving job things aside) I have been doing much better in how I think about myself and my life. I have been trying to be more positive. I thought I was doing a good job. I'm sorry if that hasn't been coming across. I guess I will try harder. I wish I knew what positive sounded like, I think I could do better if I knew what I was trying for. My relationship with myself and with my sister is truly the best it's ever been. I have more work to do, but I would like a little credit for the progress I've made so far. 

Logic?

-There were several school districts that had job fairs this weekend. One district announced it was hiring for 400 positions. Let's think about this. Last year, thousands of teachers were laid off state wide.  Maybe you wouldn't HAVE to hire 400 teachers if you hadn't FIRED them all last year.  This makes me extremely angry. It is nothing but a show of poor planning. One year with less teachers and the schools realized it wasn't possible, we need to hire people. Next year when the state re-does the budget and screws education AGAIN, are you just going to fire the 400 people that you just couldn't live without? This is not a game. Make up your mind. Instead of massive lay offs, why don't you do a little more conservative method and take natural attrition into account.  Where are all the logical people who need to be making the decisions?

On a separate note, how can you have a job fair to HIRE people, when you haven't confirmed who will be working for you next year? Contracts have not been issued for these districts yet. And furthermore, I haven't gotten my contract. So hiring opportunities are happening and I have NO IDEA if I needed to be there or not because it's happening before i have any clue about my job security. This makes me so anxious I can't see.


*this was going to be part of a much longer post, but I think it needs to stand on it's own.
I'll be back soon with something different.

Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie

Hello strangers,
The short answer to the question, "to what do we owe the pleasure of this blog" is that blogging is greater than grading. Report cards are due Friday and I am in full on procrastination mode. Even though it is admittedly easier to grade 2nd grade things than anything I've had to grade before, I still hate the chore. Before I grade I can pretend everyone listened attentively to every glorious kernel of knowledge I bestowed upon them and all got perfect scores. After I grade, I have to admit that yes, some of them weren't listening, and may not have even mentally been in the same room as me, and re-teaching is in my near future. See how much better not grading is to the ego? ;)

This however is not what I was going to blog about.

So here is your regularly scheduled blog that actually goes with the above title.

Remember how I noticed in February that I have attended 10 years of SING!? And SING! is a college event. Therefore, if we do the math and carry the one, I have been out of high school for ten years. In olden days this meant that I would start wondering what those 1,000 plus idiots  people I went to school with are up to. What are their lives like? Are any of them fat?, etc. Notice I said olden days. In today's facebook world, I ALREADY KNOW what their lives are like. What they are up to. Who is fat. (spoiler--it's ME!)

However, in the south we are suckers for tradition. And thus, this week I got the facebook event invite (yes you read that correctly as well- remind me why I need a reunion if I got the invite on facebook?) to my ten year high school reunion. Coming soon to a suburb near me this August! Joy.

For the past few years, before invites and the reunion was just a distant thought not a immediate possibility, I had said things like, " you couldn't PAY me to go to my reunion." and things of that nature. I still feel very much like I do not really WANT to go. Like it couldn't end well for me. Like volunteering for torture.

Here are the top reasons why I do NOT want/need to go to my high school reunion:

• I don't remember anyone. No seriously. I spent the last 2 years of high school trying my best to be as invisible as possible. I did a pretty good job. Any moment not spent trying to be invisible, was trying to fly under the radar as much as possible. I was not cool. Or popular. They were not the "best years of my life". So while there are some (very, very few) names I recognize- student council reps and such, I don't actually have face to name recognition for very many people. I am pretty sure they don't know who I am either, so it's ok. It was a defense mechanism. But also partly because there were a hell of a lot of people that graduated with me. How do you meet and be friends with 1000 people? you don't. 
• Anyone I DO remember or would actually want to talk to, I ALREADY DO. I don't need to go and 're-kindle connections' with people. I have facebook. If I want to be your friend/remember you as a non sucking person/ wish to see or speak to you, I am already doing it. What do I need with the other 985 people I graduated with? 
• This town is a magnet, People like boomerangs. They leave, and come back eventually. I don't need a reunion because there is one every time I go to Target, etc. Most of my local friends, I knew in high school. 
• I am not married and don't have babies. This of course makes me a gigantic failure in life. Not even a fiance. Or at very least a boyfriend! The Horror! Not to mention the 15 pounds I would need to lose to even feel half way not obese. Or the 45 I would have to lose to be back at my high school weight. 
• I do not have a glamorous job with a fantastic title. No one hears what I do for a living and imagines me jet setting around the world wearing fantastic clothes. This is how I pictured myself when I was in high school, and I blame chick lit! Novels in which the main character is always a magazine editor (an extinct job, p.s.) and super fabulous. Not that I don't love what I do. I DO. Being a teacher is amazing. It's also the chosen profession of about 45% of my class. It is not unique, or cool, or something to be like, 'well I'm not married/a mother, but at least I am a fantastic fill in the blank awesome job making millions of dollars a minute!' It was the fall back career of many, and I don't FEEL like I've been super successful. (So to recap, I'm not rich, famous, married, a mommy, OR skinny. Yea, why would I go?). 
• 96% of the people I did graduate with confuse me for my little sister (who, incidentally, IS married and will have a baby by the time this reunion happens. Making her > me in this story). This confusion is because a) I was trying to be invisible while she was a varsity cheerleader and b) how many ridiculously short girls can there be in one school? Obviously we were either twins or the same person. Unobservant people think we look exactly alike. These people are of course idiots. Spending a whole night with people either thinking I AM my sister, or asking me ABOUT my sister is not a fun night for me, no matter how far I have come on the forgiving her becoming closer to her journey. 
• The remaining 4% of people who actually DO know that I am my own person or who I am, they do because of terrible nasty rumors/perversions of truth that ran wild about me when I was in high school (see: trying to be as invisible as possible). Even if they haven't heard the terrible things about me, I assume they do. I walk in defensive. Like oh you think you know what happened, well screw you and stop looking at me like that. I can't help it. I want people to love me and I don't know who knows what. It makes me suspicious and defensive and I'm working on it ok! It's why "went to my high school" is a deal breaker when thinking about dating someone. And why a potential love match would not be on the table at said reunion (my mom's reason for me to go). 

And here are the reasons I WOULD go to my high school reunion:

• Everyone else is doing it.  (at least, according to facebook.)  *insert irony here*

(Drumroll) and now the connection to the title...... (YOU thought I forgot.) 

American Pie (remember that movie!?) came out when I was in high school. It was the first R movie I saw by myself (with my friend, no parents). It was a BIG DEAL. I vividly remember going to go see it. I own the VHS. Well, while there have been many sequels and additions, the original American Pie cast has made a movie releasing in April where they have their (wait for it) High school reunion! OMG how totally perfect. :) I of course have to go see it. And I'm hoping that maybe going to see the reunion movie will somehow count for going to my own reunion. Or at least sway me one way or another. 

Hope you enjoyed my long rambling blog. Now to grade some spelling tests. :) Or go to bed. We will see. 

February - Deceptively long

Even longer than usual (thanks leap year!), February was decidedly less suck than usual. For the past 12 years this month has brought with it bad news, depressing, anxiety, and bad memories. This year I did NOT fall into a deep hole of depression (and without meds too!!). I did NOT skip work cuz I couldn't get out of bed. I did NOT think about/ dwell on things or people from the past. I did NOT stop doing my best every day.

I am a little more than a little proud of myself. This may finally be the year I let it go. Lots of it. 12 years (3 if you are only counting by leap years). It's time. Time to let both of them go. And everything that happened. Not let those things define me anymore.

So in related news -
Last weekend I went to SING at BU. It was my 10th consecutive SING, a tradition I am not about to give up. For many a February, SING was the only thing getting me through to the end of the month. They had a photo booth and so Mere and I took a picture of us proclaiming our awesomeness of the 10th year of SING. I am not showing you the picture because I was looking to the side and my eyes look like I am "special". Not cute.  But in the set of pictures is a picture of two little old ladies who are like 80 maybe. When we are 80, I hope we are taking another picture at SING.  The brother did very well at SING, scoring the acts like a pro. Even picked the winner (I guess I am out of the target demographic as I did not quite get it like he did). My first SING was the 50th year anniversary, and this year was the 60th. It is crazy to me that it has been that long. That I have gone to this event for 10 years - during college, while I lived in Boston, and when I became a grown up with real jobs. I still love everything about SING. I hope to be at the 70, 80, 90 and 100th year anniversary shows! No matter how well adjusted I become, SING will always be my favorite part of February. I just love it. I can't believe it's been 10 years, it seems like yesterday I was in college!


Just to throw it out there - This time last year (when I was at SING), I had already gotten the first letter letting me know they were *probably* totally letting me go due to budget. I was already wishing and hoping to be saved. I was pretty much already laid off. This month I have been on eggshells. I am freaking out a tiny little bit. I just really really want to keep my job. I will not feel safe until I get to sign a contract. And really, anything could still happen. It's hard to do my best while worrying. Everything I do I second guess, wondering if that is the one thing that could lose me my contract- even when I'm doing the right thing! It's not the best way to live but it's a reality. SO while February was not sucko for the usual reasons, I am nervous about my future. I have really enjoyed this year. This February I was the happiest I have been in such a long time. I even had a great valentines day, even though I didn't have a boyfriend. Last year I had one who said he loved me, and I was 100 times happier this year than last. It's amazing. I am in such a good place, until I start to worry about contracts. So I hope I get one soon, Like for reals.

February in the bag. It's all downhill from here. :)

Something

I feel like I should blog. I hate looking at my last post and having it be so negatory. February is going to be a positive month. AD said it is, and thus it is so.

I want to cut my hair. I do this about every other year or so. I want to cut it all off. I meant to do it last week, but with going to Tennessee for the marriage I just ran out of time. This week seems to be going by super fast as well. Maybe I'll get to it this weekend.

2012 is flying by and already so much has already happened. I have SING marked on my calendar and it's my guiding light keeping me focused. I am so super excited.

Whoo OK short post and now to bed.
Love yall.

:)

OK SERIOUSLY?

I was all zenning out on my positivity train. I was rolling along. Barely pulled out of the "it's not so bad" station. Thought I would catch up on my Blogs I Stalk.

I open POSTSECRET

THE FIRST 3 EFFING SECRETS ARE ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.

I will not be ashamed. I cried. Big. Fat. Tears. (not of joy).

You see, (and I hope I'm not going to get in trouble for posting this, so don't tell no bodies)

My sister is now engaged getting married sometime next month. (pushed up from the original March)
Now as they are in the military, this February ceremony will be "just the marriage". Wedding (read lavish affair) to follow sometime next year or so. Sunday, when the news was first announced, the bridal party for the marriage (again, do not confuse with wedding to happen sometime in future) was going to consist of: bride, groom, groom's brother, myself. Witnessed by bride's brother, and parents of bride and groom.  My presence was at very least required.

With the push from March to February of marriage, I was informed today that my presence was no longer required at marriage. Just parents of each, bride, groom.  Not going to lie- If my (little) sister is going to get married (before me) being told my presence is not required really just makes me feel more like shit. Of course, if money and schedules allow, I will of course be welcome at the February event (I think, It felt like backtracking). We won't know till later in the week when this blessed event may possibly occur. Honestly it could be tomorrow at this point. I guess I need to sit tight and watch the storm story as it develops.


In addition - by the end of this year, all members of the 4H AND MY SISTER will be married. Which brings me back to "I'm going to die alone" station.

This train needs to get back on track. SIGH.

positivity police

That last post (my 50th for those keeping track at home) was really a downer. Yes, that's how I feel. I still could really cry like 3 more times. But 99% of what I'm upset/frustrated/sad about is 100% out of my control. I can only do the best I can do.

So, in an effort to be more positive, here are some good things that I totally CAN blog about.

-I took my christmas tree down (don't ask about my menorah, charlie brown christmas tree, or snowman decoration- cuz they are totally still hanging around)  and put all the ornaments in these super fancy ornament organizer storage containers I got. Organization for the win!

-Last friday we got an email stating the workroom refrigerators were going to be cleaned out over the long weekend and to get everything out (or else very much implied). I had a busy day Friday and accidently left my super awesome really nice lunch box (with real fork inside!) in the fridge. I remembered as I pulled into my apartment complex friday afternoon. I fretted all weekend about my poor lunch box, and today when I got to work, it was still there! Highlight of my day - not losing my lunch box and silverware.

-Had my yearly check up at the gyno on Monday. Every year since college she has said something about me being overweight. Last year was the heaviest I've ever been (she was not pleased). This year when I went I am down 13 pounds from last year!! She was very impressed with my efforts (although she did fuss at me for not eating fruit. but fruit is gross. I'll eat veggies all day, don't make me eat fruit!). Win!

-No matter what anyone says, I KNOW I am doing my best at work. Could I do better at some things? Yes, everyone could. But I give it my all and that's all anyone can ask of me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hopefully it will be enough. And WHEN I DO get my contract for next year, I'm throwing the biggest most amazing party ever. So there.

I'm going to work hard to find some more things. Power of positive thinking and all that.

I'm still sad - but it's not all Debbie Downer town.

that very special time of the year

Welcome to deep winter- inevitably a terrible (or at least stressful) time for me. This year is proving to be no exception. Usually I can make it to February before the crap hits the fan, but this year crappiness came early. Awesome.

So let's review.

Last week I had pneumonia. I'm still coughing up a lung on a regular basis.

Ok
it occurs to me that the rest of the "crappiness" is not things I can actually blog about yet/ever. Well that's frustrating.

it's either about :
work/school (have you heard the story about how I'm scared to death I won't get a contract this year? It's an oldie but a goodie. welcome to panic season.)
friends
family
legal


I guess I can say that I hate everything about my apartment.. it's too small, my furniture sucks, there's no place to put anything. I would really like to move somewhere. feel a little bit like I'm moving up in my life. to not still be in the same place after all the drama of the last 3 years. I can't until the summer (and after i get a contract) but I'm looking (and watching many many hours of House Hunters.) Friday night my parents who have apparently lost their minds spent the better part of the night trying to convince me to move in to their house. With them. Yea-hell no. The deal? I would get "the whole upstairs" for the low price of $400 per month (utilities included!) the being treated like a 12 year old, constant nagging, and no privacy free! I told my dad that about the ONLY thing I have going for my life right now is that I DON'T live with my parents.

I feel sad. and anxious. and pretty much a failure (at everything), and 100% like I'm going to die alone.
I could pretty much cry at like anything. which is not professional or grown up or anything. I am going to try really really hard not to cry during my appeal hearing next week.

is it spring yet?

Sickness

So remember that list of things I needed to do from the last blog? I have accomplished 3 of those things.
-Report cards (really no choice there)
-oil changed (again, not really optional)
-laundry - just enough for clothes for work really.

In the meantime, I had a fantastic time at the wedding and somewhere along the way got....pneumonia!
AWESOME. I mean who doesn't want a kick butt lung infection? Yes, I made it through 4 days of work last week, came home with a 101.2 fever on Thursday, called in sick Friday and went to the Dr.
At the Dr. I'm expecting the typical oh its the flu (never mind I got my flu shot), we can't do anything etc. So when the Dr. sent me for a chest X ray I was mad. Mad I was going to have to pay for this radiology when I thought it would be clear like it was 2 summers ago when I coughed for 3 months and all my chest X rays were clear.
When the Dr. came back and said there was pneumonia in my right lung I took back being upset about the X ray. Who gets pneumonia?! More proof that my body hates me. Coughing, by the way, is a fantastic ab work out. They have never been so sore!
Took today to make sure I was no longer contagious or feverish, and will be back at work tomorrow. Yes I'm still coughing, but I'm getting a little bored laying in bed all day.

Meanwhile, I have been watching a Suzy Orman marathon on TV today. I am determined to get my money situation in order this year.  I did really well last year. I zero balanced one credit card and paid off about 1/4 of my outstanding debt. But as much as I'm tracking and paying off, I'm still not REALLY changing my spending habits. I need to work on that. One of my favorite shows is "Till debt do us part" on CNN at night. Its couples with way more debt than me and they get their butts handed to them by this bossy Canadian woman. Kinda like a supernanny for finances. It makes me feel better, and renews my motivation to get it paid off.

So, again, I have pneumonia, and I'm trying to work my way down my to do list.
Wish me luck!