positively negative

I will freely admit I do not always have the best self talk (I think that's the clinical term for how you think about yourself). I worry. A lot. About everything. I'm good at thinking about the worst case scenario. I don't always feel super confident about my decisions or myself. But really, honestly, I think I've been doing a whole lot better than I have been. I have truly been working on having a more positive outlook on things. I didn't know "being positive" excludes being able to what if about problems. Does being positive mean you aren't allowed to think about possible negative outcomes? Cuz in real life, negative outcomes exist. That's not being negative. That's being realistic. In my opinion. 

Some posts recently have been perceived as negative. Even my close friends don't necessarily see what I see, which is a more positive me. For the record, I know tone is hard to get on the internet (I wrote a thesis paper about it). But I had a positive tone when I wrote my high school reunion post. I don't think it's negative to be truthful about the past. I am uncomfortable being around people from my school because I don't know what they've heard. That's not negative, that's honest. And sadly it's not paranoid to think that because a lot of people heard a lot of things - both about me and my sister, and most people can't tell us apart. Most of my reasons having to do with looks or job status were laced with sarcasm-which I know is hard to read online. Would I like to lose more weight? Hells yea! But I think I look tons better than I did last year this time. Would I like to be rich and famous? It could be nice-but I so so love my job, I mean I keep fighting to be able to do it. Then, I thought it was wildly hilarious that the only reason I would go is peer pressure. How very high school. :) 

Anyway, I think I've been doing a really good job of being positive. I got through February pretty much unscathed(a good benchmark for me). Do I worry? For sure. I was watching Oprah's interview with Paula Deen. Apparently Paula D. was super poor growing up and her family was evicted several times. Now she is obviously very well off and this is not really an eminent possibility for her. Oprah asked her if, with as much money as she has now, she ever feels comfortable or secure. Paula said no. The fear of being evicted or not having enough money to eat is always with her in the back of her mind. I tell you this because it really rung true for me. I know it is slightly ridiculous to be worried about not getting a contract this year. But if you haven't been laid off, it's hard to understand. 2 years in a row this happened to me. Irrational or not, I think until I get a contract it will be a fear. I don't think I can feel any job security until someone gives me some. NO MATTER how awesome I know I am. I don't think that's being negative, I think that's part of how the human mind works. Once bitten, twice shy the saying goes. Well, twice bitten, paranoid always. So yes, I second guess every decision I make at work because I have been laid off for stupid reasons, no reason at all, and things entirely out of my control. 

I do think (leaving job things aside) I have been doing much better in how I think about myself and my life. I have been trying to be more positive. I thought I was doing a good job. I'm sorry if that hasn't been coming across. I guess I will try harder. I wish I knew what positive sounded like, I think I could do better if I knew what I was trying for. My relationship with myself and with my sister is truly the best it's ever been. I have more work to do, but I would like a little credit for the progress I've made so far.