Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I was all zenning out on my positivity train. I was rolling along. Barely pulled out of the "it's not so bad" station. Thought I would catch up on my Blogs I Stalk.



I will not be ashamed. I cried. Big. Fat. Tears. (not of joy).

You see, (and I hope I'm not going to get in trouble for posting this, so don't tell no bodies)

My sister is now engaged getting married sometime next month. (pushed up from the original March)
Now as they are in the military, this February ceremony will be "just the marriage". Wedding (read lavish affair) to follow sometime next year or so. Sunday, when the news was first announced, the bridal party for the marriage (again, do not confuse with wedding to happen sometime in future) was going to consist of: bride, groom, groom's brother, myself. Witnessed by bride's brother, and parents of bride and groom.  My presence was at very least required.

With the push from March to February of marriage, I was informed today that my presence was no longer required at marriage. Just parents of each, bride, groom.  Not going to lie- If my (little) sister is going to get married (before me) being told my presence is not required really just makes me feel more like shit. Of course, if money and schedules allow, I will of course be welcome at the February event (I think, It felt like backtracking). We won't know till later in the week when this blessed event may possibly occur. Honestly it could be tomorrow at this point. I guess I need to sit tight and watch the storm story as it develops.

In addition - by the end of this year, all members of the 4H AND MY SISTER will be married. Which brings me back to "I'm going to die alone" station.

This train needs to get back on track. SIGH.

positivity police

That last post (my 50th for those keeping track at home) was really a downer. Yes, that's how I feel. I still could really cry like 3 more times. But 99% of what I'm upset/frustrated/sad about is 100% out of my control. I can only do the best I can do.

So, in an effort to be more positive, here are some good things that I totally CAN blog about.

-I took my christmas tree down (don't ask about my menorah, charlie brown christmas tree, or snowman decoration- cuz they are totally still hanging around)  and put all the ornaments in these super fancy ornament organizer storage containers I got. Organization for the win!

-Last friday we got an email stating the workroom refrigerators were going to be cleaned out over the long weekend and to get everything out (or else very much implied). I had a busy day Friday and accidently left my super awesome really nice lunch box (with real fork inside!) in the fridge. I remembered as I pulled into my apartment complex friday afternoon. I fretted all weekend about my poor lunch box, and today when I got to work, it was still there! Highlight of my day - not losing my lunch box and silverware.

-Had my yearly check up at the gyno on Monday. Every year since college she has said something about me being overweight. Last year was the heaviest I've ever been (she was not pleased). This year when I went I am down 13 pounds from last year!! She was very impressed with my efforts (although she did fuss at me for not eating fruit. but fruit is gross. I'll eat veggies all day, don't make me eat fruit!). Win!

-No matter what anyone says, I KNOW I am doing my best at work. Could I do better at some things? Yes, everyone could. But I give it my all and that's all anyone can ask of me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hopefully it will be enough. And WHEN I DO get my contract for next year, I'm throwing the biggest most amazing party ever. So there.

I'm going to work hard to find some more things. Power of positive thinking and all that.

I'm still sad - but it's not all Debbie Downer town.

that very special time of the year

Welcome to deep winter- inevitably a terrible (or at least stressful) time for me. This year is proving to be no exception. Usually I can make it to February before the crap hits the fan, but this year crappiness came early. Awesome.

So let's review.

Last week I had pneumonia. I'm still coughing up a lung on a regular basis.

it occurs to me that the rest of the "crappiness" is not things I can actually blog about yet/ever. Well that's frustrating.

it's either about :
work/school (have you heard the story about how I'm scared to death I won't get a contract this year? It's an oldie but a goodie. welcome to panic season.)

I guess I can say that I hate everything about my apartment.. it's too small, my furniture sucks, there's no place to put anything. I would really like to move somewhere. feel a little bit like I'm moving up in my life. to not still be in the same place after all the drama of the last 3 years. I can't until the summer (and after i get a contract) but I'm looking (and watching many many hours of House Hunters.) Friday night my parents who have apparently lost their minds spent the better part of the night trying to convince me to move in to their house. With them. Yea-hell no. The deal? I would get "the whole upstairs" for the low price of $400 per month (utilities included!) the being treated like a 12 year old, constant nagging, and no privacy free! I told my dad that about the ONLY thing I have going for my life right now is that I DON'T live with my parents.

I feel sad. and anxious. and pretty much a failure (at everything), and 100% like I'm going to die alone.
I could pretty much cry at like anything. which is not professional or grown up or anything. I am going to try really really hard not to cry during my appeal hearing next week.

is it spring yet?

Monday, January 9, 2012


So remember that list of things I needed to do from the last blog? I have accomplished 3 of those things.
-Report cards (really no choice there)
-oil changed (again, not really optional)
-laundry - just enough for clothes for work really.

In the meantime, I had a fantastic time at the wedding and somewhere along the way got....pneumonia!
AWESOME. I mean who doesn't want a kick butt lung infection? Yes, I made it through 4 days of work last week, came home with a 101.2 fever on Thursday, called in sick Friday and went to the Dr.
At the Dr. I'm expecting the typical oh its the flu (never mind I got my flu shot), we can't do anything etc. So when the Dr. sent me for a chest X ray I was mad. Mad I was going to have to pay for this radiology when I thought it would be clear like it was 2 summers ago when I coughed for 3 months and all my chest X rays were clear.
When the Dr. came back and said there was pneumonia in my right lung I took back being upset about the X ray. Who gets pneumonia?! More proof that my body hates me. Coughing, by the way, is a fantastic ab work out. They have never been so sore!
Took today to make sure I was no longer contagious or feverish, and will be back at work tomorrow. Yes I'm still coughing, but I'm getting a little bored laying in bed all day.

Meanwhile, I have been watching a Suzy Orman marathon on TV today. I am determined to get my money situation in order this year.  I did really well last year. I zero balanced one credit card and paid off about 1/4 of my outstanding debt. But as much as I'm tracking and paying off, I'm still not REALLY changing my spending habits. I need to work on that. One of my favorite shows is "Till debt do us part" on CNN at night. Its couples with way more debt than me and they get their butts handed to them by this bossy Canadian woman. Kinda like a supernanny for finances. It makes me feel better, and renews my motivation to get it paid off.

So, again, I have pneumonia, and I'm trying to work my way down my to do list.
Wish me luck!