gym fail

X is gunning for a big fat face punch. This morning I got to the gym 10 minutes before my appointment to warm up. An appointment I told him when we made it that it was too early, but he was booked later in the day and I had other obligations this afternoon. It was hard for me to get out of bed, and all I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep. The fact that I got up, dressed, and out the door was an accomplishment in itself. And what greets me at the gym? X, "I'm disappointed that you are 5 minutes late. You are supposed to be here with enough time for a 15 minute warm up." Excuse me? You're gonna bitch at me for 5 minutes? I'm here. Which I explained to him, that my goal was to get to the gym. Period. His response? "My goal is to give you a good work out. Don't you care about my goal?" Um no, I don't. You get paid either way. You are here either way. Back on off my butt.

After a fairly OK workout, meaning I didn't complain too much or give up in the middle of the torture, I got a lecture.

From a 20 year old.

About my diet.

Which we already disagree about, as X thinks I should be paleo, and I am doing weight watchers so that I don't kill people. (See "points v. paleo" post from June.)

I don't need a lecture from a 20 year old boy about how he is disappointed that I'm not trying. Especially when said lecture included criticism about my high stress level (which I have zero control over- I've tried), my love of naps, my love of carbs, and how HE thinks I'm depressed. Oh good, tell the girl who just stopped medicating you think she's depressed. Where is your medical degree? Oh you don't have one because you go to community college and live with your parents. When I was 20 I was skinny too, cuz my life was easy(er), my metabolism rocked, and not much stressed me. I hadn't been unemployed twice. I hadn't changed schools and grades 3 times in 3 years (insecurity level= off the charts). I stopped taking the antidepressants because they made me fat. I'm not going back on. Even if I am stressed out of my mind (yes, still.)

And after this lovely lecture, he weighed me, because he is evil, and in the 2 months I've been going to the gym and making better food choices, I have GAINED weight. And body fat %. How is that even possible? Go to gym and GAIN weight? Only me. Only because my body hates me. I am so de-motivated, and telling me you're disappointed doesn't make me want to work harder. I'm not doing this for you. Get out of my face or get punched in yours.

I would switch trainers, as X is bent on treating me like a 5 year old, but I already switched trainers once. Switching twice in 2 months makes me look bad (I am guessing), which I HATE. Like I'm not insecure enough I have to burn through trainers. Which obviously makes it a "me" problem, not a trainer problem. Since I'm obviously a gym failure the last thing I want to do is switch trainers again and prove it.

Somehow I am going to have to gather enough balls to have a come to Jesus meeting with X on Tuesday. Or tell my body to stop holding on to fat, as being stressed is a way of life for me for the foreseeable future.

Conclusion- My body hates me. I just want to be one of those naturally skinny people. I want my body/brain to deal with stress better. And I want 20 year old trainers to back off. The gym should make you feel good, not bad. Where are all these endorphins I always hear about?

:)