Faith part 2

This morning AD and I went to Temple. It was our second attempt to go to this congregation, and I liked it a lot better this time. I will admit I was totally weepy the whole time. From the first song (one of my favorites) I was tearing up. I couldn't even sing (which is probably a blessing for everyone within earshot). I spent the majority of the service thinking about Baby James, praying for peace for him and his family. It was especially hard not to think of him when the cutest, sweetest little boy ended up sitting in front of us. He smiled at me often and looked like how I imagine James would look if he had gotten to be a bit older. The past few days my heart has been breaking for the Sikes family, and I don't even know how to finish this sentence. They have been on my mind and heart, and I was devastated this afternoon when I learned that James made his way to heaven today.

The sermon today was about being in 'the wilderness' and how He blesses us. It was very good. Powerful. Fitting. Thought provoking.

Today I realized:
I take on a lot. I very rarely have peace about anything. The anxiety monster keeps my head spinning and analyzing long after decisions (should) have been made. I am scared beyond all reason nervous about this upcoming school year. I am sad that my first year of teaching served to instill a constant sense of fear and insecurity in me about my ability. I felt like such a bad teacher today when the children came back from their classes in the middle of the sermon, making a huge disruption, and I was irritated. But it is OK to not be in love with every child at every moment in every situation (I think).
I need to stop being afraid. I need to remember to trust. So that's what I asked for today- a year without fear. To start this year- at this school -with this class -unafraid. Not worrying about what will happen at contract time. To be in the moment as it happens and not worry about everything. To love every moment for what it is, without being bogged down in fear. I will probably need help. And reminders. But I think the fear and self doubt is my worst enemy, and without them I can surely succeed.

Sorry for the heaviness. A much more lighthearted post tomorrow, I promise.

:)