Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie

Hello strangers,
The short answer to the question, "to what do we owe the pleasure of this blog" is that blogging is greater than grading. Report cards are due Friday and I am in full on procrastination mode. Even though it is admittedly easier to grade 2nd grade things than anything I've had to grade before, I still hate the chore. Before I grade I can pretend everyone listened attentively to every glorious kernel of knowledge I bestowed upon them and all got perfect scores. After I grade, I have to admit that yes, some of them weren't listening, and may not have even mentally been in the same room as me, and re-teaching is in my near future. See how much better not grading is to the ego? ;)

This however is not what I was going to blog about.

So here is your regularly scheduled blog that actually goes with the above title.

Remember how I noticed in February that I have attended 10 years of SING!? And SING! is a college event. Therefore, if we do the math and carry the one, I have been out of high school for ten years. In olden days this meant that I would start wondering what those 1,000 plus idiots  people I went to school with are up to. What are their lives like? Are any of them fat?, etc. Notice I said olden days. In today's facebook world, I ALREADY KNOW what their lives are like. What they are up to. Who is fat. (spoiler--it's ME!)

However, in the south we are suckers for tradition. And thus, this week I got the facebook event invite (yes you read that correctly as well- remind me why I need a reunion if I got the invite on facebook?) to my ten year high school reunion. Coming soon to a suburb near me this August! Joy.

For the past few years, before invites and the reunion was just a distant thought not a immediate possibility, I had said things like, " you couldn't PAY me to go to my reunion." and things of that nature. I still feel very much like I do not really WANT to go. Like it couldn't end well for me. Like volunteering for torture.

Here are the top reasons why I do NOT want/need to go to my high school reunion:

• I don't remember anyone. No seriously. I spent the last 2 years of high school trying my best to be as invisible as possible. I did a pretty good job. Any moment not spent trying to be invisible, was trying to fly under the radar as much as possible. I was not cool. Or popular. They were not the "best years of my life". So while there are some (very, very few) names I recognize- student council reps and such, I don't actually have face to name recognition for very many people. I am pretty sure they don't know who I am either, so it's ok. It was a defense mechanism. But also partly because there were a hell of a lot of people that graduated with me. How do you meet and be friends with 1000 people? you don't. 
• Anyone I DO remember or would actually want to talk to, I ALREADY DO. I don't need to go and 're-kindle connections' with people. I have facebook. If I want to be your friend/remember you as a non sucking person/ wish to see or speak to you, I am already doing it. What do I need with the other 985 people I graduated with? 
• This town is a magnet, People like boomerangs. They leave, and come back eventually. I don't need a reunion because there is one every time I go to Target, etc. Most of my local friends, I knew in high school. 
• I am not married and don't have babies. This of course makes me a gigantic failure in life. Not even a fiance. Or at very least a boyfriend! The Horror! Not to mention the 15 pounds I would need to lose to even feel half way not obese. Or the 45 I would have to lose to be back at my high school weight. 
• I do not have a glamorous job with a fantastic title. No one hears what I do for a living and imagines me jet setting around the world wearing fantastic clothes. This is how I pictured myself when I was in high school, and I blame chick lit! Novels in which the main character is always a magazine editor (an extinct job, p.s.) and super fabulous. Not that I don't love what I do. I DO. Being a teacher is amazing. It's also the chosen profession of about 45% of my class. It is not unique, or cool, or something to be like, 'well I'm not married/a mother, but at least I am a fantastic fill in the blank awesome job making millions of dollars a minute!' It was the fall back career of many, and I don't FEEL like I've been super successful. (So to recap, I'm not rich, famous, married, a mommy, OR skinny. Yea, why would I go?). 
• 96% of the people I did graduate with confuse me for my little sister (who, incidentally, IS married and will have a baby by the time this reunion happens. Making her > me in this story). This confusion is because a) I was trying to be invisible while she was a varsity cheerleader and b) how many ridiculously short girls can there be in one school? Obviously we were either twins or the same person. Unobservant people think we look exactly alike. These people are of course idiots. Spending a whole night with people either thinking I AM my sister, or asking me ABOUT my sister is not a fun night for me, no matter how far I have come on the forgiving her becoming closer to her journey. 
• The remaining 4% of people who actually DO know that I am my own person or who I am, they do because of terrible nasty rumors/perversions of truth that ran wild about me when I was in high school (see: trying to be as invisible as possible). Even if they haven't heard the terrible things about me, I assume they do. I walk in defensive. Like oh you think you know what happened, well screw you and stop looking at me like that. I can't help it. I want people to love me and I don't know who knows what. It makes me suspicious and defensive and I'm working on it ok! It's why "went to my high school" is a deal breaker when thinking about dating someone. And why a potential love match would not be on the table at said reunion (my mom's reason for me to go). 

And here are the reasons I WOULD go to my high school reunion:

• Everyone else is doing it.  (at least, according to facebook.)  *insert irony here*

(Drumroll) and now the connection to the title...... (YOU thought I forgot.) 

American Pie (remember that movie!?) came out when I was in high school. It was the first R movie I saw by myself (with my friend, no parents). It was a BIG DEAL. I vividly remember going to go see it. I own the VHS. Well, while there have been many sequels and additions, the original American Pie cast has made a movie releasing in April where they have their (wait for it) High school reunion! OMG how totally perfect. :) I of course have to go see it. And I'm hoping that maybe going to see the reunion movie will somehow count for going to my own reunion. Or at least sway me one way or another. 

Hope you enjoyed my long rambling blog. Now to grade some spelling tests. :) Or go to bed. We will see. 

February - Deceptively long

Even longer than usual (thanks leap year!), February was decidedly less suck than usual. For the past 12 years this month has brought with it bad news, depressing, anxiety, and bad memories. This year I did NOT fall into a deep hole of depression (and without meds too!!). I did NOT skip work cuz I couldn't get out of bed. I did NOT think about/ dwell on things or people from the past. I did NOT stop doing my best every day.

I am a little more than a little proud of myself. This may finally be the year I let it go. Lots of it. 12 years (3 if you are only counting by leap years). It's time. Time to let both of them go. And everything that happened. Not let those things define me anymore.

So in related news -
Last weekend I went to SING at BU. It was my 10th consecutive SING, a tradition I am not about to give up. For many a February, SING was the only thing getting me through to the end of the month. They had a photo booth and so Mere and I took a picture of us proclaiming our awesomeness of the 10th year of SING. I am not showing you the picture because I was looking to the side and my eyes look like I am "special". Not cute.  But in the set of pictures is a picture of two little old ladies who are like 80 maybe. When we are 80, I hope we are taking another picture at SING.  The brother did very well at SING, scoring the acts like a pro. Even picked the winner (I guess I am out of the target demographic as I did not quite get it like he did). My first SING was the 50th year anniversary, and this year was the 60th. It is crazy to me that it has been that long. That I have gone to this event for 10 years - during college, while I lived in Boston, and when I became a grown up with real jobs. I still love everything about SING. I hope to be at the 70, 80, 90 and 100th year anniversary shows! No matter how well adjusted I become, SING will always be my favorite part of February. I just love it. I can't believe it's been 10 years, it seems like yesterday I was in college!


Just to throw it out there - This time last year (when I was at SING), I had already gotten the first letter letting me know they were *probably* totally letting me go due to budget. I was already wishing and hoping to be saved. I was pretty much already laid off. This month I have been on eggshells. I am freaking out a tiny little bit. I just really really want to keep my job. I will not feel safe until I get to sign a contract. And really, anything could still happen. It's hard to do my best while worrying. Everything I do I second guess, wondering if that is the one thing that could lose me my contract- even when I'm doing the right thing! It's not the best way to live but it's a reality. SO while February was not sucko for the usual reasons, I am nervous about my future. I have really enjoyed this year. This February I was the happiest I have been in such a long time. I even had a great valentines day, even though I didn't have a boyfriend. Last year I had one who said he loved me, and I was 100 times happier this year than last. It's amazing. I am in such a good place, until I start to worry about contracts. So I hope I get one soon, Like for reals.

February in the bag. It's all downhill from here. :)

Something

I feel like I should blog. I hate looking at my last post and having it be so negatory. February is going to be a positive month. AD said it is, and thus it is so.

I want to cut my hair. I do this about every other year or so. I want to cut it all off. I meant to do it last week, but with going to Tennessee for the marriage I just ran out of time. This week seems to be going by super fast as well. Maybe I'll get to it this weekend.

2012 is flying by and already so much has already happened. I have SING marked on my calendar and it's my guiding light keeping me focused. I am so super excited.

Whoo OK short post and now to bed.
Love yall.

:)

OK SERIOUSLY?

I was all zenning out on my positivity train. I was rolling along. Barely pulled out of the "it's not so bad" station. Thought I would catch up on my Blogs I Stalk.

I open POSTSECRET

THE FIRST 3 EFFING SECRETS ARE ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.

I will not be ashamed. I cried. Big. Fat. Tears. (not of joy).

You see, (and I hope I'm not going to get in trouble for posting this, so don't tell no bodies)

My sister is now engaged getting married sometime next month. (pushed up from the original March)
Now as they are in the military, this February ceremony will be "just the marriage". Wedding (read lavish affair) to follow sometime next year or so. Sunday, when the news was first announced, the bridal party for the marriage (again, do not confuse with wedding to happen sometime in future) was going to consist of: bride, groom, groom's brother, myself. Witnessed by bride's brother, and parents of bride and groom.  My presence was at very least required.

With the push from March to February of marriage, I was informed today that my presence was no longer required at marriage. Just parents of each, bride, groom.  Not going to lie- If my (little) sister is going to get married (before me) being told my presence is not required really just makes me feel more like shit. Of course, if money and schedules allow, I will of course be welcome at the February event (I think, It felt like backtracking). We won't know till later in the week when this blessed event may possibly occur. Honestly it could be tomorrow at this point. I guess I need to sit tight and watch the storm story as it develops.


In addition - by the end of this year, all members of the 4H AND MY SISTER will be married. Which brings me back to "I'm going to die alone" station.

This train needs to get back on track. SIGH.

positivity police

That last post (my 50th for those keeping track at home) was really a downer. Yes, that's how I feel. I still could really cry like 3 more times. But 99% of what I'm upset/frustrated/sad about is 100% out of my control. I can only do the best I can do.

So, in an effort to be more positive, here are some good things that I totally CAN blog about.

-I took my christmas tree down (don't ask about my menorah, charlie brown christmas tree, or snowman decoration- cuz they are totally still hanging around)  and put all the ornaments in these super fancy ornament organizer storage containers I got. Organization for the win!

-Last friday we got an email stating the workroom refrigerators were going to be cleaned out over the long weekend and to get everything out (or else very much implied). I had a busy day Friday and accidently left my super awesome really nice lunch box (with real fork inside!) in the fridge. I remembered as I pulled into my apartment complex friday afternoon. I fretted all weekend about my poor lunch box, and today when I got to work, it was still there! Highlight of my day - not losing my lunch box and silverware.

-Had my yearly check up at the gyno on Monday. Every year since college she has said something about me being overweight. Last year was the heaviest I've ever been (she was not pleased). This year when I went I am down 13 pounds from last year!! She was very impressed with my efforts (although she did fuss at me for not eating fruit. but fruit is gross. I'll eat veggies all day, don't make me eat fruit!). Win!

-No matter what anyone says, I KNOW I am doing my best at work. Could I do better at some things? Yes, everyone could. But I give it my all and that's all anyone can ask of me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hopefully it will be enough. And WHEN I DO get my contract for next year, I'm throwing the biggest most amazing party ever. So there.

I'm going to work hard to find some more things. Power of positive thinking and all that.

I'm still sad - but it's not all Debbie Downer town.

that very special time of the year

Welcome to deep winter- inevitably a terrible (or at least stressful) time for me. This year is proving to be no exception. Usually I can make it to February before the crap hits the fan, but this year crappiness came early. Awesome.

So let's review.

Last week I had pneumonia. I'm still coughing up a lung on a regular basis.

Ok
it occurs to me that the rest of the "crappiness" is not things I can actually blog about yet/ever. Well that's frustrating.

it's either about :
work/school (have you heard the story about how I'm scared to death I won't get a contract this year? It's an oldie but a goodie. welcome to panic season.)
friends
family
legal


I guess I can say that I hate everything about my apartment.. it's too small, my furniture sucks, there's no place to put anything. I would really like to move somewhere. feel a little bit like I'm moving up in my life. to not still be in the same place after all the drama of the last 3 years. I can't until the summer (and after i get a contract) but I'm looking (and watching many many hours of House Hunters.) Friday night my parents who have apparently lost their minds spent the better part of the night trying to convince me to move in to their house. With them. Yea-hell no. The deal? I would get "the whole upstairs" for the low price of $400 per month (utilities included!) the being treated like a 12 year old, constant nagging, and no privacy free! I told my dad that about the ONLY thing I have going for my life right now is that I DON'T live with my parents.

I feel sad. and anxious. and pretty much a failure (at everything), and 100% like I'm going to die alone.
I could pretty much cry at like anything. which is not professional or grown up or anything. I am going to try really really hard not to cry during my appeal hearing next week.

is it spring yet?

Sickness

So remember that list of things I needed to do from the last blog? I have accomplished 3 of those things.
-Report cards (really no choice there)
-oil changed (again, not really optional)
-laundry - just enough for clothes for work really.

In the meantime, I had a fantastic time at the wedding and somewhere along the way got....pneumonia!
AWESOME. I mean who doesn't want a kick butt lung infection? Yes, I made it through 4 days of work last week, came home with a 101.2 fever on Thursday, called in sick Friday and went to the Dr.
At the Dr. I'm expecting the typical oh its the flu (never mind I got my flu shot), we can't do anything etc. So when the Dr. sent me for a chest X ray I was mad. Mad I was going to have to pay for this radiology when I thought it would be clear like it was 2 summers ago when I coughed for 3 months and all my chest X rays were clear.
When the Dr. came back and said there was pneumonia in my right lung I took back being upset about the X ray. Who gets pneumonia?! More proof that my body hates me. Coughing, by the way, is a fantastic ab work out. They have never been so sore!
Took today to make sure I was no longer contagious or feverish, and will be back at work tomorrow. Yes I'm still coughing, but I'm getting a little bored laying in bed all day.

Meanwhile, I have been watching a Suzy Orman marathon on TV today. I am determined to get my money situation in order this year.  I did really well last year. I zero balanced one credit card and paid off about 1/4 of my outstanding debt. But as much as I'm tracking and paying off, I'm still not REALLY changing my spending habits. I need to work on that. One of my favorite shows is "Till debt do us part" on CNN at night. Its couples with way more debt than me and they get their butts handed to them by this bossy Canadian woman. Kinda like a supernanny for finances. It makes me feel better, and renews my motivation to get it paid off.

So, again, I have pneumonia, and I'm trying to work my way down my to do list.
Wish me luck!