OK SERIOUSLY?

I was all zenning out on my positivity train. I was rolling along. Barely pulled out of the "it's not so bad" station. Thought I would catch up on my Blogs I Stalk.

I open POSTSECRET

THE FIRST 3 EFFING SECRETS ARE ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.

I will not be ashamed. I cried. Big. Fat. Tears. (not of joy).

You see, (and I hope I'm not going to get in trouble for posting this, so don't tell no bodies)

My sister is now engaged getting married sometime next month. (pushed up from the original March)
Now as they are in the military, this February ceremony will be "just the marriage". Wedding (read lavish affair) to follow sometime next year or so. Sunday, when the news was first announced, the bridal party for the marriage (again, do not confuse with wedding to happen sometime in future) was going to consist of: bride, groom, groom's brother, myself. Witnessed by bride's brother, and parents of bride and groom.  My presence was at very least required.

With the push from March to February of marriage, I was informed today that my presence was no longer required at marriage. Just parents of each, bride, groom.  Not going to lie- If my (little) sister is going to get married (before me) being told my presence is not required really just makes me feel more like shit. Of course, if money and schedules allow, I will of course be welcome at the February event (I think, It felt like backtracking). We won't know till later in the week when this blessed event may possibly occur. Honestly it could be tomorrow at this point. I guess I need to sit tight and watch the storm story as it develops.


In addition - by the end of this year, all members of the 4H AND MY SISTER will be married. Which brings me back to "I'm going to die alone" station.

This train needs to get back on track. SIGH.

positivity police

That last post (my 50th for those keeping track at home) was really a downer. Yes, that's how I feel. I still could really cry like 3 more times. But 99% of what I'm upset/frustrated/sad about is 100% out of my control. I can only do the best I can do.

So, in an effort to be more positive, here are some good things that I totally CAN blog about.

-I took my christmas tree down (don't ask about my menorah, charlie brown christmas tree, or snowman decoration- cuz they are totally still hanging around)  and put all the ornaments in these super fancy ornament organizer storage containers I got. Organization for the win!

-Last friday we got an email stating the workroom refrigerators were going to be cleaned out over the long weekend and to get everything out (or else very much implied). I had a busy day Friday and accidently left my super awesome really nice lunch box (with real fork inside!) in the fridge. I remembered as I pulled into my apartment complex friday afternoon. I fretted all weekend about my poor lunch box, and today when I got to work, it was still there! Highlight of my day - not losing my lunch box and silverware.

-Had my yearly check up at the gyno on Monday. Every year since college she has said something about me being overweight. Last year was the heaviest I've ever been (she was not pleased). This year when I went I am down 13 pounds from last year!! She was very impressed with my efforts (although she did fuss at me for not eating fruit. but fruit is gross. I'll eat veggies all day, don't make me eat fruit!). Win!

-No matter what anyone says, I KNOW I am doing my best at work. Could I do better at some things? Yes, everyone could. But I give it my all and that's all anyone can ask of me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hopefully it will be enough. And WHEN I DO get my contract for next year, I'm throwing the biggest most amazing party ever. So there.

I'm going to work hard to find some more things. Power of positive thinking and all that.

I'm still sad - but it's not all Debbie Downer town.

that very special time of the year

Welcome to deep winter- inevitably a terrible (or at least stressful) time for me. This year is proving to be no exception. Usually I can make it to February before the crap hits the fan, but this year crappiness came early. Awesome.

So let's review.

Last week I had pneumonia. I'm still coughing up a lung on a regular basis.

Ok
it occurs to me that the rest of the "crappiness" is not things I can actually blog about yet/ever. Well that's frustrating.

it's either about :
work/school (have you heard the story about how I'm scared to death I won't get a contract this year? It's an oldie but a goodie. welcome to panic season.)
friends
family
legal


I guess I can say that I hate everything about my apartment.. it's too small, my furniture sucks, there's no place to put anything. I would really like to move somewhere. feel a little bit like I'm moving up in my life. to not still be in the same place after all the drama of the last 3 years. I can't until the summer (and after i get a contract) but I'm looking (and watching many many hours of House Hunters.) Friday night my parents who have apparently lost their minds spent the better part of the night trying to convince me to move in to their house. With them. Yea-hell no. The deal? I would get "the whole upstairs" for the low price of $400 per month (utilities included!) the being treated like a 12 year old, constant nagging, and no privacy free! I told my dad that about the ONLY thing I have going for my life right now is that I DON'T live with my parents.

I feel sad. and anxious. and pretty much a failure (at everything), and 100% like I'm going to die alone.
I could pretty much cry at like anything. which is not professional or grown up or anything. I am going to try really really hard not to cry during my appeal hearing next week.

is it spring yet?

Day 51

Today was the 51st day of school, and at halfway to 100 days and report card/conferences done I can breathe for the first time since like day 15. I left school today before 4:30 for the first time I can remember.

So, all that is to say sorry I've been MIA. I will try harder.

Lots to say, but of course my fall allergies/sinus infection has hit me full force and I can barely function. I also got all scared of needles and opted for the flu mist vaccine instead of the shot and have been stuffy ever since.

And in case you missed it, my grandmother died last week, (most inconvenient what with the 20 mandatory report card conferences I had to do...) and that hit me pretty hard with less than zero time to actually process and cope.

I think I'm over the hump though, on the other side of half way through this semester.

see you soon friends.

Cold with a chance of sore butt

It's workshop season! That magical time right before school starts where teachers spend all their time freezing to death in uncomfortable chairs trying to learn all the new wonderful ideas that we will TOTALLY use when school begins. Today our workshop was so cold some woman got her baby's blanket out of the car and wrapped herself in it. It's truly distracting when a grown woman is shivering under a fleece butterfly blanket. Also, I have never sat in a more uncomfortable chair.

This year, all my workshops are giving me panic attacks. Today's was very elementary school. Lots of clapping, and cuteness, and we were supposed to cheer at the lamest of jokes. I was not feeling very elementary today. I longed for a middle school workshop. Something on bullying, or high expectations, not phonemic awareness. Really, I think I'm just scared and so I'm throwing up walls. Fear rocks!

I was going to blog about something else, but my booty hurts and I'm just starting to get feeling back in my legs. Sorry for such a lame post. I just felt like I had to say something, it's been a few days.

:)

Not happily ever after

Friends with benefits is hilarious. Super great movie, would totally watch again.

Except for the last 20 minutes. You know, when they inevitably fall in love and live happily ever after.

SOO not what happens in real life. Been there, done that, he is NOT in love with me. I am  NOT living happily ever after. (According to last night's totally not planned stalking, he is all sorts of happily ever after. so that's awesome. as was being stared down at the gym by his skinnier than me ex-girlfriend this morning.)

Which really is just the theme of my day today - not happily ever after.

Also known as "everyone else is having a much better life than me" day.

I either need a hamburger, or to go to the gym.

1 in 45

The budget craziness is "finally over" to quote my (ex) superintendent. In an e-mail today we got our last budget update that the State finally made things final.
I skimmed most of it, no money blah blah, gonna be tight, blah blah... and skipped right to the staffing paragraph. To discover a sentence that made me want to jump out the window.

"we were able to rehire all but 45 of the 370 probationary teachers."

Are you serious? 45? Forty Effing Five!? Just one of 45. Makes me so mad. If there were more of us I think that would make it better. I can name 5 right now who didn't get rehired. So is he lying miscounting? Are they in the process of contacting those "all but 45?" I can't seriously be so unlucky that there are only 44 other people in my boat. I liked it much better when there was strength in numbers. 370. I can be one in 370. But one in 45? Seriously?

One step forward, two steps back.

Going to have to try really hard tomorrow not to give up.

:-/