Evolution of a painting

Have you heard of the new trend? It's painting classes where they encourage you to be drinking while trying to copy a painting. It's pretty fun. There are a few different places where you can do this around, each with a clever name. I have gone twice now - once with work and one with twin (she's totally addicted and is trying to go to each different chain to find the best. Then I think we will need to get her a 12 step program or something lol). I really like it. I think it's supposed to be relaxing (what with the drinking) but it is really a roller coaster of emotions! Perfectionists need not apply as it can become a little frustrating.
After thinking about it last night (because I haven't been sleeping) I have come up with the evolution of painting.
Enjoy.

Arrive at class, examine sample.
"I can totally do this. I will hang it in the hall, or maybe my living room. People will ohh and ahh and tell me how artistic I am. This night will be amazing."
Class starts.
"OK, so I'm not quite getting the same color. Blending is hard. Oh no I went too far to the left. Crap. I suck. Maybe if I blend over here a little....nope too much."
"Oh I can just add a little over here and then it's great. Back on track, almost looks like what the teacher is doing. I rock!"
Looks at neighbor's painting
"How did she get that shading? I am a failure at art. I suck. My color is not as "bouncy" (yes, real word the instructor used last night) as that. I'll just go back over with some more of that secondary color."
"CRAP CRAP CRAP. I ruined it. This is going strait into the garbage."
Move on to next section.
"Oh we are going over this part with a tree. I love trees. I will rock at trees."
"Trees are stupid. Branches are stupid. Shading is stupid."
"I'll just dab some more paint over here. flowers/leaves will fix everything."
"Too much!! Abort abort. Crap. Ruined."
Finished!
"This looks nothing like the sample. and nothing like anyone's in the room. I suck."

Home
"From far away, and in the dark... it doesn't look half bad. I am an artist." :)

Here are the pictures from my two experiences. I both love and hate them. They are incidentally both still in the trunk of my car.

positively negative

I will freely admit I do not always have the best self talk (I think that's the clinical term for how you think about yourself). I worry. A lot. About everything. I'm good at thinking about the worst case scenario. I don't always feel super confident about my decisions or myself. But really, honestly, I think I've been doing a whole lot better than I have been. I have truly been working on having a more positive outlook on things. I didn't know "being positive" excludes being able to what if about problems. Does being positive mean you aren't allowed to think about possible negative outcomes? Cuz in real life, negative outcomes exist. That's not being negative. That's being realistic. In my opinion. 

Some posts recently have been perceived as negative. Even my close friends don't necessarily see what I see, which is a more positive me. For the record, I know tone is hard to get on the internet (I wrote a thesis paper about it). But I had a positive tone when I wrote my high school reunion post. I don't think it's negative to be truthful about the past. I am uncomfortable being around people from my school because I don't know what they've heard. That's not negative, that's honest. And sadly it's not paranoid to think that because a lot of people heard a lot of things - both about me and my sister, and most people can't tell us apart. Most of my reasons having to do with looks or job status were laced with sarcasm-which I know is hard to read online. Would I like to lose more weight? Hells yea! But I think I look tons better than I did last year this time. Would I like to be rich and famous? It could be nice-but I so so love my job, I mean I keep fighting to be able to do it. Then, I thought it was wildly hilarious that the only reason I would go is peer pressure. How very high school. :) 

Anyway, I think I've been doing a really good job of being positive. I got through February pretty much unscathed(a good benchmark for me). Do I worry? For sure. I was watching Oprah's interview with Paula Deen. Apparently Paula D. was super poor growing up and her family was evicted several times. Now she is obviously very well off and this is not really an eminent possibility for her. Oprah asked her if, with as much money as she has now, she ever feels comfortable or secure. Paula said no. The fear of being evicted or not having enough money to eat is always with her in the back of her mind. I tell you this because it really rung true for me. I know it is slightly ridiculous to be worried about not getting a contract this year. But if you haven't been laid off, it's hard to understand. 2 years in a row this happened to me. Irrational or not, I think until I get a contract it will be a fear. I don't think I can feel any job security until someone gives me some. NO MATTER how awesome I know I am. I don't think that's being negative, I think that's part of how the human mind works. Once bitten, twice shy the saying goes. Well, twice bitten, paranoid always. So yes, I second guess every decision I make at work because I have been laid off for stupid reasons, no reason at all, and things entirely out of my control. 

I do think (leaving job things aside) I have been doing much better in how I think about myself and my life. I have been trying to be more positive. I thought I was doing a good job. I'm sorry if that hasn't been coming across. I guess I will try harder. I wish I knew what positive sounded like, I think I could do better if I knew what I was trying for. My relationship with myself and with my sister is truly the best it's ever been. I have more work to do, but I would like a little credit for the progress I've made so far. 

Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie

Hello strangers,
The short answer to the question, "to what do we owe the pleasure of this blog" is that blogging is greater than grading. Report cards are due Friday and I am in full on procrastination mode. Even though it is admittedly easier to grade 2nd grade things than anything I've had to grade before, I still hate the chore. Before I grade I can pretend everyone listened attentively to every glorious kernel of knowledge I bestowed upon them and all got perfect scores. After I grade, I have to admit that yes, some of them weren't listening, and may not have even mentally been in the same room as me, and re-teaching is in my near future. See how much better not grading is to the ego? ;)

This however is not what I was going to blog about.

So here is your regularly scheduled blog that actually goes with the above title.

Remember how I noticed in February that I have attended 10 years of SING!? And SING! is a college event. Therefore, if we do the math and carry the one, I have been out of high school for ten years. In olden days this meant that I would start wondering what those 1,000 plus idiots  people I went to school with are up to. What are their lives like? Are any of them fat?, etc. Notice I said olden days. In today's facebook world, I ALREADY KNOW what their lives are like. What they are up to. Who is fat. (spoiler--it's ME!)

However, in the south we are suckers for tradition. And thus, this week I got the facebook event invite (yes you read that correctly as well- remind me why I need a reunion if I got the invite on facebook?) to my ten year high school reunion. Coming soon to a suburb near me this August! Joy.

For the past few years, before invites and the reunion was just a distant thought not a immediate possibility, I had said things like, " you couldn't PAY me to go to my reunion." and things of that nature. I still feel very much like I do not really WANT to go. Like it couldn't end well for me. Like volunteering for torture.

Here are the top reasons why I do NOT want/need to go to my high school reunion:

• I don't remember anyone. No seriously. I spent the last 2 years of high school trying my best to be as invisible as possible. I did a pretty good job. Any moment not spent trying to be invisible, was trying to fly under the radar as much as possible. I was not cool. Or popular. They were not the "best years of my life". So while there are some (very, very few) names I recognize- student council reps and such, I don't actually have face to name recognition for very many people. I am pretty sure they don't know who I am either, so it's ok. It was a defense mechanism. But also partly because there were a hell of a lot of people that graduated with me. How do you meet and be friends with 1000 people? you don't. 
• Anyone I DO remember or would actually want to talk to, I ALREADY DO. I don't need to go and 're-kindle connections' with people. I have facebook. If I want to be your friend/remember you as a non sucking person/ wish to see or speak to you, I am already doing it. What do I need with the other 985 people I graduated with? 
• This town is a magnet, People like boomerangs. They leave, and come back eventually. I don't need a reunion because there is one every time I go to Target, etc. Most of my local friends, I knew in high school. 
• I am not married and don't have babies. This of course makes me a gigantic failure in life. Not even a fiance. Or at very least a boyfriend! The Horror! Not to mention the 15 pounds I would need to lose to even feel half way not obese. Or the 45 I would have to lose to be back at my high school weight. 
• I do not have a glamorous job with a fantastic title. No one hears what I do for a living and imagines me jet setting around the world wearing fantastic clothes. This is how I pictured myself when I was in high school, and I blame chick lit! Novels in which the main character is always a magazine editor (an extinct job, p.s.) and super fabulous. Not that I don't love what I do. I DO. Being a teacher is amazing. It's also the chosen profession of about 45% of my class. It is not unique, or cool, or something to be like, 'well I'm not married/a mother, but at least I am a fantastic fill in the blank awesome job making millions of dollars a minute!' It was the fall back career of many, and I don't FEEL like I've been super successful. (So to recap, I'm not rich, famous, married, a mommy, OR skinny. Yea, why would I go?). 
• 96% of the people I did graduate with confuse me for my little sister (who, incidentally, IS married and will have a baby by the time this reunion happens. Making her > me in this story). This confusion is because a) I was trying to be invisible while she was a varsity cheerleader and b) how many ridiculously short girls can there be in one school? Obviously we were either twins or the same person. Unobservant people think we look exactly alike. These people are of course idiots. Spending a whole night with people either thinking I AM my sister, or asking me ABOUT my sister is not a fun night for me, no matter how far I have come on the forgiving her becoming closer to her journey. 
• The remaining 4% of people who actually DO know that I am my own person or who I am, they do because of terrible nasty rumors/perversions of truth that ran wild about me when I was in high school (see: trying to be as invisible as possible). Even if they haven't heard the terrible things about me, I assume they do. I walk in defensive. Like oh you think you know what happened, well screw you and stop looking at me like that. I can't help it. I want people to love me and I don't know who knows what. It makes me suspicious and defensive and I'm working on it ok! It's why "went to my high school" is a deal breaker when thinking about dating someone. And why a potential love match would not be on the table at said reunion (my mom's reason for me to go). 

And here are the reasons I WOULD go to my high school reunion:

• Everyone else is doing it.  (at least, according to facebook.)  *insert irony here*

(Drumroll) and now the connection to the title...... (YOU thought I forgot.) 

American Pie (remember that movie!?) came out when I was in high school. It was the first R movie I saw by myself (with my friend, no parents). It was a BIG DEAL. I vividly remember going to go see it. I own the VHS. Well, while there have been many sequels and additions, the original American Pie cast has made a movie releasing in April where they have their (wait for it) High school reunion! OMG how totally perfect. :) I of course have to go see it. And I'm hoping that maybe going to see the reunion movie will somehow count for going to my own reunion. Or at least sway me one way or another. 

Hope you enjoyed my long rambling blog. Now to grade some spelling tests. :) Or go to bed. We will see. 

February - Deceptively long

Even longer than usual (thanks leap year!), February was decidedly less suck than usual. For the past 12 years this month has brought with it bad news, depressing, anxiety, and bad memories. This year I did NOT fall into a deep hole of depression (and without meds too!!). I did NOT skip work cuz I couldn't get out of bed. I did NOT think about/ dwell on things or people from the past. I did NOT stop doing my best every day.

I am a little more than a little proud of myself. This may finally be the year I let it go. Lots of it. 12 years (3 if you are only counting by leap years). It's time. Time to let both of them go. And everything that happened. Not let those things define me anymore.

So in related news -
Last weekend I went to SING at BU. It was my 10th consecutive SING, a tradition I am not about to give up. For many a February, SING was the only thing getting me through to the end of the month. They had a photo booth and so Mere and I took a picture of us proclaiming our awesomeness of the 10th year of SING. I am not showing you the picture because I was looking to the side and my eyes look like I am "special". Not cute.  But in the set of pictures is a picture of two little old ladies who are like 80 maybe. When we are 80, I hope we are taking another picture at SING.  The brother did very well at SING, scoring the acts like a pro. Even picked the winner (I guess I am out of the target demographic as I did not quite get it like he did). My first SING was the 50th year anniversary, and this year was the 60th. It is crazy to me that it has been that long. That I have gone to this event for 10 years - during college, while I lived in Boston, and when I became a grown up with real jobs. I still love everything about SING. I hope to be at the 70, 80, 90 and 100th year anniversary shows! No matter how well adjusted I become, SING will always be my favorite part of February. I just love it. I can't believe it's been 10 years, it seems like yesterday I was in college!


Just to throw it out there - This time last year (when I was at SING), I had already gotten the first letter letting me know they were *probably* totally letting me go due to budget. I was already wishing and hoping to be saved. I was pretty much already laid off. This month I have been on eggshells. I am freaking out a tiny little bit. I just really really want to keep my job. I will not feel safe until I get to sign a contract. And really, anything could still happen. It's hard to do my best while worrying. Everything I do I second guess, wondering if that is the one thing that could lose me my contract- even when I'm doing the right thing! It's not the best way to live but it's a reality. SO while February was not sucko for the usual reasons, I am nervous about my future. I have really enjoyed this year. This February I was the happiest I have been in such a long time. I even had a great valentines day, even though I didn't have a boyfriend. Last year I had one who said he loved me, and I was 100 times happier this year than last. It's amazing. I am in such a good place, until I start to worry about contracts. So I hope I get one soon, Like for reals.

February in the bag. It's all downhill from here. :)

positivity police

That last post (my 50th for those keeping track at home) was really a downer. Yes, that's how I feel. I still could really cry like 3 more times. But 99% of what I'm upset/frustrated/sad about is 100% out of my control. I can only do the best I can do.

So, in an effort to be more positive, here are some good things that I totally CAN blog about.

-I took my christmas tree down (don't ask about my menorah, charlie brown christmas tree, or snowman decoration- cuz they are totally still hanging around)  and put all the ornaments in these super fancy ornament organizer storage containers I got. Organization for the win!

-Last friday we got an email stating the workroom refrigerators were going to be cleaned out over the long weekend and to get everything out (or else very much implied). I had a busy day Friday and accidently left my super awesome really nice lunch box (with real fork inside!) in the fridge. I remembered as I pulled into my apartment complex friday afternoon. I fretted all weekend about my poor lunch box, and today when I got to work, it was still there! Highlight of my day - not losing my lunch box and silverware.

-Had my yearly check up at the gyno on Monday. Every year since college she has said something about me being overweight. Last year was the heaviest I've ever been (she was not pleased). This year when I went I am down 13 pounds from last year!! She was very impressed with my efforts (although she did fuss at me for not eating fruit. but fruit is gross. I'll eat veggies all day, don't make me eat fruit!). Win!

-No matter what anyone says, I KNOW I am doing my best at work. Could I do better at some things? Yes, everyone could. But I give it my all and that's all anyone can ask of me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hopefully it will be enough. And WHEN I DO get my contract for next year, I'm throwing the biggest most amazing party ever. So there.

I'm going to work hard to find some more things. Power of positive thinking and all that.

I'm still sad - but it's not all Debbie Downer town.

I will totally update this later with pictures, promise*

*there is a 99.999% chance I will NOT actually update this post with pictures. But telling you that I will makes me feel better. So, sorry? 


So today was a bad day. Nothing too terribly awful happened, but it was a BAD day - start to finish.
I had to yell at kids. I didn't have the things I needed for today copied. Many parents had to be called. Children went home on YELLOW (first time all year for me to have to move a kid to yellow!). Children thought the bathroom was actually a jungle gym, and climbing on toilets was totally allowed (it's not). I kept my class in from recess.

BUT.

Because I kept them in from recess (in part because they were no good, terrible, bad, and in part because our scheduled holiday market time was during recess and the elves would have been mad if I didn't take my kids to spend their parent's hard earned money on crap thoughtful presents [sorry for the very long interjection]) I gave them 18 minutes of free time at the end of the day. We all needed it.

During this time some of my sweet angels drew me pictures. I gave them scrap papers and said they could use markers (free time = only time you can use markers) and so I was forgiven for yelling at them.

One of my sweet angels (who earlier in the day thought climbing on the toilet was the coolest thing ever) drew me this picture.

[Insert picture of picture, that I totally probably not update this blog with]

I looked at it. I could not figure out for the life of me what it was supposed to be. (this would make more sense to you if you could see said picture).

I said, "Oh how pretty. Can you describe it to me?"
She looked at me like I had 6 heads. This was free time. Not describe things time. Describe is obviously a reading/writing time word.
I tried again. Cuz I had no clue what this thing was. It looks kind of like an orange ax. With squiggles.
I whisper in my best whisper voice, "what is it?"
She said,"I don't know. I just drew stuff."
And I laughed. So loud and so hard. For like 5 minutes. Funniest thing since the stick joke.

I guess you had to be there. But I so needed that laugh.

in other news, a bulleted list.

• I tried to explain irony to 2nd graders today. I had no luck. But man was it funny. Almost as funny as watching them not 'get' irony. I then told them it was funny (and called irony) and they humored my by laughing fake laughs and whispering "I don't think it's funny" to each other. My kids love me so much they fake laughed! I love them so :) 
• This is STILL not the blog I meant to write before. Hopefully this weekend that will happen
• I have joined Match.com.  it's been 13 days and no one wants to marry me yet. In funny money news, my credit card DECLINED the charge initially and flagged it as possible fraud. Yea, explaining to customer service that yes, I did want the charge to "MATCH COM" to go through was slightly humiliating. Thanks for having my back? But no one stole my credit card to sign up for a boyfriend. (totally embarrassed). 
• My sister and her boyfriend get in town tomorrow. It is also her birthday. I tried to tell her it was her 22nd birthday. Apparently she is actually turning 25, and I told her this is impossible as it makes ME old. No such luck, I am old. 
• Tomorrow is also the 15th anniversary of the day we moved to Texas. I have now officially lived in Texas LONGER than New England. Do I have to turn in my Yankee card? 
• My brother (who is also old now) is taking his first round of finals next week. The way he is whining and going on about it on his facebook status you would think that finals are the worst hardest thing to ever happen to him, AND he is the first person ever to take finals. Poor baby...not.
• I hate everything about the new management at my apartment complex. Tomorrow I'm gonna complain my head off. Also, file a noise complaint on my downstairs neighbor who is currently shaking my house with his music. grr.
• GLEE totally used #WGP this week! Granted, Sam got it wrong and called them "rich white girl problems" but hey, WGP is getting out there. Happy. :) 

:) 

Still not the blog

Still not the blog I warned of in the pre-blog. But entertaining none the less.

1. I watch Chelsea Lately almost nightly. I love Chelsea Handler. I support most things she does. She's a funny smart lady. Now last night she had Whitney Cummings as her guest. Whitney used to be on the CL show. She was a round table regular. A CH pal. And she is a funny lady in her own right. She is producing 2 broke girls- one of my favorite new shows, and her show Whitney is ok (I don't cry if I miss it, but it's watch-able).  So WC is on CL promoting Whitney, and man was she COCKY! Yes I understand this is your bestie and you can relax, but don't act like you're some huge big shot. You used to be ON that show. Chill girl.

2. I was on iTunes on my phone (bad call ALWAYS) at oh 11 pm or so, from my bed, and somehow this happened.

From the Disney show SO Random -  MC Grammar with "The gift of grammar."
Yep. This song (not video) is now in my iTunes library.
At 11pm I thought it was hilarious.
I had thoughts I would let my kids listen to it. "A teaching tool!" I thought.


yea. Feel free to mock me now. :)

Day 51

Today was the 51st day of school, and at halfway to 100 days and report card/conferences done I can breathe for the first time since like day 15. I left school today before 4:30 for the first time I can remember.

So, all that is to say sorry I've been MIA. I will try harder.

Lots to say, but of course my fall allergies/sinus infection has hit me full force and I can barely function. I also got all scared of needles and opted for the flu mist vaccine instead of the shot and have been stuffy ever since.

And in case you missed it, my grandmother died last week, (most inconvenient what with the 20 mandatory report card conferences I had to do...) and that hit me pretty hard with less than zero time to actually process and cope.

I think I'm over the hump though, on the other side of half way through this semester.

see you soon friends.

never apologize/ the X files

I am sorry friday night's post wasn't fleshed out. I was afraid to take it all the way (I was afraid of offending), I was really blogging to keep from thinking about something that had just happened, and I was trying not to be too long winded. I know it's incomplete. Fill in the blanks. Everyone knows a HH or two, so draw your own conclusions.

I was, in a round about way, trying to throw out there into the world some small indication that I just got out of a relationship, and it was my decision to end it. Why you ask? Cuz just like he does about once a year (and always at exactly the worst time ever) a ghost from my past decided to pop up. So briefly it seems silly to be blogging about it now. I'm not gonna lie, he has sent me reeling all weekend. I have a zillion and twenty things I want to say to him. But, just as quickly as he appeared, he is gone again, along with my window to say anything. Even though he said he would "talk to me tomorrow" it has now been 2 days since his message. Good thing I didn't hold my breathe...

Maybe in 2 more years I'll get a chance to have a meaningful conversation. Or maybe I will never get to say what is on my heart. Maybe it's better that way. BUT, just in case he found his way here, I wanted it known that I haven't spent the past year(s) he has been out of my life alone. That in the meantime, someone else loved me. That I am capable worthy of being loved. Maybe I wanted to remind myself too. 

I hate that after doing so well forgetting him, I've been totally consumed with thoughts of him all weekend (and hate that most of those thoughts are so angry!). So I'm writing this, and then I'm going back to forgetting. I have much more important things happening in my life right now. None of which he seems interested in hearing about. Which really speaks the most about his intentions. His ability to be a "friend". So just shake it off....

SO, my goals for this year:
-be the best second grade teacher I can be!

-write (and win) a grant. Need to start brainstorming grant ideas...

-find the perfect doctorate degree program, get accepted, and start. I want to be a Dr. :) Right now I'm leaning toward an Ed. D., maybe something in counseling? I am waiting to find the right program.

Now, time for bed. So I can wake up refreshed and renewed, and ready for the week ahead.

:)
Love you!

Week 1

Ok, not gonna lie. Teaching second grade is HARD! But I'm learning to love it and all its challenges. :)

And that's all I'm gonna say about school. Except this - I am so freaking tired!  OK. Moving on.


SO I've been thinking about this blog post for over a week now. I want to talk about "Helpless Housewives" (trademark- do not steal!!). These are the women who marry (mostly into money), don't work, and spend all their time running from hair to nail to gym appointments. Wow, what a hard life. Ok so part of me sort of envies them, what with their no responsibilities, and complete obliviousness to all things related to the real world (like, how much money is in their bank account, or say, what day of the month the electric bill is due, or for that matter, how much it usually is...).

But- I so totally value my independence and I refuse to give it up. Even if it means not getting married right this second like everybody else most people my age. *my close circle of friend would never be helpless housewives, and I am not talking about awesome people I am besties with. duh.* My parents just raised me to be a strong, independent dinosaur who can take care of herself. I'm smart, I'm employed (yea!!), and I can do this. Thank you very much. Please take your white knight complex elsewhere.

Which is why, even though it would totally have been the super easy way out, I refused to let my now ex save me. I wouldn't move in with him. I had to make it through this time on my own. Make my own way. Sometimes this past month I have regretted it. But then I know I wouldn't be teaching second grade, starting a whole new adventure, and know I can handle anything.  So yes, friends, I am single. And happy.  And a second grade teacher.

:)

Sic 'Em

Tomorrow my little baby brother goes to college. He is Baylor bound, following in the footsteps of yours truly. This obviously make him smart. :) As I have to go back to work tomorrow, I find myself super jealous that he gets to go to college. I hope he takes advantage of the time. College rocks.

When I was in college I think I learned a lot. Most of all I learned that the many "fairies" that I thought did all sorts of chores do not actually exist! Now, as an adult, I find myself still wishing the fairies would show up.
The following fairies have let me down over the years....

• Dishes fairy, and her cousin, empty the dishwasher fairy
• Laundry fairies (the twins, wash AND fold)
• clean the floors fairy
• pay the bills fairy
• fill the car with gas fairy
• bathroom cleaning fairy
• job fairy
• make the bed fairy
• put things away fairy
• bank account full fairy

It's amazing all the things that have to be done when you are a grown up. :-P 

Anyway, I would do college again in an instant. But instead I have to go to work tomorrow. And then come home and do all the things the fairies were supposed to do. 

I made my brother take a picture with me in our line jerseys. (I was just thrilled my line jersey fit!)

9 years later, another fantastic decision! 

Sic 'em Bears!

:)

Faith part 2

This morning AD and I went to Temple. It was our second attempt to go to this congregation, and I liked it a lot better this time. I will admit I was totally weepy the whole time. From the first song (one of my favorites) I was tearing up. I couldn't even sing (which is probably a blessing for everyone within earshot). I spent the majority of the service thinking about Baby James, praying for peace for him and his family. It was especially hard not to think of him when the cutest, sweetest little boy ended up sitting in front of us. He smiled at me often and looked like how I imagine James would look if he had gotten to be a bit older. The past few days my heart has been breaking for the Sikes family, and I don't even know how to finish this sentence. They have been on my mind and heart, and I was devastated this afternoon when I learned that James made his way to heaven today.

The sermon today was about being in 'the wilderness' and how He blesses us. It was very good. Powerful. Fitting. Thought provoking.

Today I realized:
I take on a lot. I very rarely have peace about anything. The anxiety monster keeps my head spinning and analyzing long after decisions (should) have been made. I am scared beyond all reason nervous about this upcoming school year. I am sad that my first year of teaching served to instill a constant sense of fear and insecurity in me about my ability. I felt like such a bad teacher today when the children came back from their classes in the middle of the sermon, making a huge disruption, and I was irritated. But it is OK to not be in love with every child at every moment in every situation (I think).
I need to stop being afraid. I need to remember to trust. So that's what I asked for today- a year without fear. To start this year- at this school -with this class -unafraid. Not worrying about what will happen at contract time. To be in the moment as it happens and not worry about everything. To love every moment for what it is, without being bogged down in fear. I will probably need help. And reminders. But I think the fear and self doubt is my worst enemy, and without them I can surely succeed.

Sorry for the heaviness. A much more lighthearted post tomorrow, I promise.

:)

Thankfulness & Faith

It's easy to complain. It was easy these past few months to be overtaken by the disappointments and hardness of the situations I found myself in. It is easy for anyone to get caught up in their own junk and be sad/mad/frustrated/whatever. My small source of strength during this time was/is the now super popular saying "keep calm and carry on." Similar to "don't sweat the small stuff," this phrase was to remind me to just keep going. Because life is hard and you just have to step up. I am not going to discuss my faith, mostly because I am still figuring it out. But I did put a lot of trust in "Keep calm and carry on" because I needed to trust and have faith that things were going to work out. Now I need to have faith that where I ended up is the right place for me.

During this time, it would have been really easy to go all woe is me and I tried really hard not to. There are other people out there who have it way worse than me. There are people I know who still don't have jobs. There are people I know and love who are suffering much greater challenges, with much more grace than I ever could. I think it is important to remember and recognize that. As my Uncle likes to say, "times are tough all over." (Yes, I know he stole it from somewhere else, but I'm on a roll and refuse to look for a citation.) Sometimes it is the struggles of others that make you thankful for what you have.

Today I am thankful that this time was quick for me. It could have stretched on for a long time, and I was preparing for it to. I am thankful that I didn't have to sacrifice more than I did. I am thankful that this situation made me realize just how badly I want to teach. And if that means 2nd grade for awhile, then thats where I'll be.

So where is this coming from you might ask? A certain story I saw today that is more connected to me than I first realized. My friend HD (who awesomely follows my blog) posted a link on her facebook today to the story of baby James. Now I am warning you, you will most likely cry your eyes out when you read it. I did. Seems innocent enough- sad story passed along by a friend, these things happen on the internet all the time. In fact, most of the comments on the blog start out, "you don't know me but....(hopeful message)." Which is great, because this family is truly going through a terrible time. 3 weeks ago everything was fine, and now tragedy. They need love and support. To feel connected and that they are not alone. The internet is great for these things.

As I was reading I realized 2 things. #1- My friend Mallory (whose blog I follow and is a sorority sister) posted about baby james almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't pay much attention to it then, but it also didn't have the blog link. I thought oh, that's sad, and moved on worrying about my own life (selfish selfish!!). Which led me to realization #2 - Mallory knows James' parents personally, because they went to Baylor. When I started reading the blog I realized I have probably met them as well. Apparently we were all in Oxford together the same summer for study abroad. Now I feel terrible that I cannot for the life of me remember them. But it was 6 years ago, and I did hang with my own small group. But really the whole group was not that big and I feel like I should remember them (however, I am terrible about remembering people...). It's crazy when something comes right back around to being more personal that you thought it was. I've eaten meals with these people; been on planes and trains with them. Their story could happen to me, my friends, anyone.

The point is this: it's a small world. We are all connected and everyone is going through something. So be kind to others and be grateful for what you have. Have faith in something bigger than yourself. Hold on to those you love. Be thankful.

:)

Hello!

Welcome to my blog. All the cool kids have one, and I have always wanted to be a cool kid; thus here I am. I'm sure you have some questions and so in this introductory post I will try to answer them.

1. Ok, so what is this blog all about.
Ah I am so glad you asked, dear reader. Simply put, it is about me- in the least self centered way possible. I am not: engaged, married, pregnant, a mother, a coupon queen, a chef, or a crafter. These seem to be what most blogs are about. However, I DO: craft occasionally, love to cook, use coupons, have friends who are some of the best mothers out there, love kids, secretly plan my wedding, and have attended a handful of weddings. So I do have knowledge on these topics. Once in awhile a post might be about one of these. But really, it's about life. My life, and figuring out "what I want to do with my life."

2. Um, Sarah, you are 27. Shouldn't you have figured out "what you want to do with your life" by now?
Yes, you would think so! I wish I had. But Life throws curve balls and I find myself a month into 27 trying to figure out what I am going to do about it. For the past 2 years I have been a teacher. I have loved (almost) every minute of it. I wish I could keep doing it. Life, the Powers that Be and the State Budget seem to think that is really funny thus I am spending the summer trying to find "the Perfect job."

3. Ok, so who are you anyway?
Today I am lost. Yesterday I was hopeful. Tomorrow I'm sure I will be something completely different. I am looking for direction. I am trying to find my way. I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a learner, a lover, and many other adjectives.
I love:
trees
blue
cursive
wine & food
sleeping
reading
writing

I hate:
red
running
sans serif fonts
chocolate
mean people
moving
change/uncertainty


So, there you have it. Post number 1. Hopefully it gets better from here.
 :)