Back from outer space

And now I'm Back - from outer space....

I decided I am going to start blogging again, because my Doctor said I need to get some hobbies. I think writing qualifies. Plus, if I am ever going to become an internationally best-selling author, I better get to work.

Speaking of work, I have this habit this year of obsessively checking my work email from home. Why do I do this? There can't possibly be anything GOOD that was sent to me after 5:45pm the last time I checked it. Deal with/stress over parent emails at home? Good choice Sarah. Really good choice. But I can't stop. I check my work email as often as I check facebook.  Weird.

Last night I spent probably close to 2 hours organizing my pinterest pin boards. Yep, that was a good use of time as well.

Oh, I am totally going to ignor the fact that this blog has been silent for like 6 months or something. I'm going to just jump in and not try to go back and fill you in on what's been going on.

Here is the executive summary:

I still teach 2nd grade and the same school as last year.
My super cute nephew was born in July. He's adorable and I love him.
I moved to a new apartment that I hate significantly less than where I have been living. There are still maybe 10 boxes of things that aren't unpacked. I moved the beginning of August. Yep. I've been busy.
This school year has been hella hard. Not just for me, like for everyone.
It's report card conference season, so I'm a basket case (more so than usual).


OK so last bit of news -  in 30 days my 1 year match.com subscription expires. In the year, I have been on dates with 4 men. 4. 1 I already knew from high school and I think it was a friend meet up not a date. Only 2 had repeat dates (1 I saw twice, 1 I saw 3 times). At the end of NONE of these dates did I even get a kiss. I feel like I have failed at match. Like maybe getting married is just not in the cards for me. It makes me wicked sad. So I have re-written my profile like 3 times this week just trying to get any sort of bite of interest and maybe one last date before I expire. I will not be spending money to renew my membership at this time. It's been a year, no one wanted to love me, guess I'll go eat worms.... Plus I'm kind of poor and I desperately want to get my debt paid down like yesterday so I'm not gonna pay for not dating right now. My mom paid for my first 6 months, and with the store (oh, did I mention my dad opened a post/copy/ship store in our town? And now my parents are wicked poor? like taking money out of their retirement account every month to cover bills until the store becomes profitable, no christmas, poor? Apparently it is very difficult to live on one teacher's salary. I should know, since it's what I live on too. so that happened). Anyway, with the store now my parents can't finance my lack of love life at this time.

That's all for today my friends. I'm gonna blog more. I'm gonna stress less. And now I'm going to go finish report cards, conference forms, and lesson plans (probably a 4-5 hours project). Or take a nap first. Maybe nap. :)

~ Sarah

I got it!!

Hello friends! I have no idea how this will turn out because I am writing it on my phone (not even on an app or anything) because my computer hates blogger suddenly. Wtf. Anyway just stopped by to give you important employment updates. For the first time in at least 4 summers, I don't have to look for a job!!!! I signed my contract today so at least I know I get to stay at my school this year!! I am so relieved and unburdened and happy and excited and validated. I am happy this is the school I get to stay (at)*. *too excited to change this sentence structure but I do recognize it- haven't totally lost my mind lol. My face is especially thankful, as my stress pimples were developing their own stress pimples. My shoulders are lighter and I get to stop worrying!! Now I just have to cross my fingers I get to stay in second grade-- grade assignments coming later. Whoo!!! In other news (yes I have some!) I started my trial week at crossfit* (I have no idea why my iphone keeps autocorrecting crossfit to crissfit, but I'm working on it. Then I couldn't figure out how to edit the post on my phone. So if you see me type crissfit, know I mean crossfit. K thanks)*. I'm sore and tired but I think I'll really like it. Also I totally cannot breathe due to allergies (I think) and my dr won't refill my Rx until I go see him - it is possible I haven't seen him in like 2 years... So that has to happen soon. Soo did I mention I signed my contract? Just wanted to make sure. Thanks for all your support! It's been a great year. Love- me. :)

Stress management

It's the earliest I've been home from school in a long. long. time.

Today my principal forwarded an email from the professional development department with a flier for a stress management class. I laughed out loud. My first thought was wow I should really take this. Then I remembered I almost failed my stress management class in college. Oh yea, that easy A? Not for me. Total C. Second worst grade I got in college was in stress management. So obviously I am not so good at the managing stress game.
Not to belabor the point, but you know what would make me a whole lot less stressed? a contract. just saying.

SO back to my first sentence. I left school today. While it was light outside.

Stress - Managed.


:)

(concise post accomplished!)

positively negative

I will freely admit I do not always have the best self talk (I think that's the clinical term for how you think about yourself). I worry. A lot. About everything. I'm good at thinking about the worst case scenario. I don't always feel super confident about my decisions or myself. But really, honestly, I think I've been doing a whole lot better than I have been. I have truly been working on having a more positive outlook on things. I didn't know "being positive" excludes being able to what if about problems. Does being positive mean you aren't allowed to think about possible negative outcomes? Cuz in real life, negative outcomes exist. That's not being negative. That's being realistic. In my opinion. 

Some posts recently have been perceived as negative. Even my close friends don't necessarily see what I see, which is a more positive me. For the record, I know tone is hard to get on the internet (I wrote a thesis paper about it). But I had a positive tone when I wrote my high school reunion post. I don't think it's negative to be truthful about the past. I am uncomfortable being around people from my school because I don't know what they've heard. That's not negative, that's honest. And sadly it's not paranoid to think that because a lot of people heard a lot of things - both about me and my sister, and most people can't tell us apart. Most of my reasons having to do with looks or job status were laced with sarcasm-which I know is hard to read online. Would I like to lose more weight? Hells yea! But I think I look tons better than I did last year this time. Would I like to be rich and famous? It could be nice-but I so so love my job, I mean I keep fighting to be able to do it. Then, I thought it was wildly hilarious that the only reason I would go is peer pressure. How very high school. :) 

Anyway, I think I've been doing a really good job of being positive. I got through February pretty much unscathed(a good benchmark for me). Do I worry? For sure. I was watching Oprah's interview with Paula Deen. Apparently Paula D. was super poor growing up and her family was evicted several times. Now she is obviously very well off and this is not really an eminent possibility for her. Oprah asked her if, with as much money as she has now, she ever feels comfortable or secure. Paula said no. The fear of being evicted or not having enough money to eat is always with her in the back of her mind. I tell you this because it really rung true for me. I know it is slightly ridiculous to be worried about not getting a contract this year. But if you haven't been laid off, it's hard to understand. 2 years in a row this happened to me. Irrational or not, I think until I get a contract it will be a fear. I don't think I can feel any job security until someone gives me some. NO MATTER how awesome I know I am. I don't think that's being negative, I think that's part of how the human mind works. Once bitten, twice shy the saying goes. Well, twice bitten, paranoid always. So yes, I second guess every decision I make at work because I have been laid off for stupid reasons, no reason at all, and things entirely out of my control. 

I do think (leaving job things aside) I have been doing much better in how I think about myself and my life. I have been trying to be more positive. I thought I was doing a good job. I'm sorry if that hasn't been coming across. I guess I will try harder. I wish I knew what positive sounded like, I think I could do better if I knew what I was trying for. My relationship with myself and with my sister is truly the best it's ever been. I have more work to do, but I would like a little credit for the progress I've made so far. 

Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie

Hello strangers,
The short answer to the question, "to what do we owe the pleasure of this blog" is that blogging is greater than grading. Report cards are due Friday and I am in full on procrastination mode. Even though it is admittedly easier to grade 2nd grade things than anything I've had to grade before, I still hate the chore. Before I grade I can pretend everyone listened attentively to every glorious kernel of knowledge I bestowed upon them and all got perfect scores. After I grade, I have to admit that yes, some of them weren't listening, and may not have even mentally been in the same room as me, and re-teaching is in my near future. See how much better not grading is to the ego? ;)

This however is not what I was going to blog about.

So here is your regularly scheduled blog that actually goes with the above title.

Remember how I noticed in February that I have attended 10 years of SING!? And SING! is a college event. Therefore, if we do the math and carry the one, I have been out of high school for ten years. In olden days this meant that I would start wondering what those 1,000 plus idiots  people I went to school with are up to. What are their lives like? Are any of them fat?, etc. Notice I said olden days. In today's facebook world, I ALREADY KNOW what their lives are like. What they are up to. Who is fat. (spoiler--it's ME!)

However, in the south we are suckers for tradition. And thus, this week I got the facebook event invite (yes you read that correctly as well- remind me why I need a reunion if I got the invite on facebook?) to my ten year high school reunion. Coming soon to a suburb near me this August! Joy.

For the past few years, before invites and the reunion was just a distant thought not a immediate possibility, I had said things like, " you couldn't PAY me to go to my reunion." and things of that nature. I still feel very much like I do not really WANT to go. Like it couldn't end well for me. Like volunteering for torture.

Here are the top reasons why I do NOT want/need to go to my high school reunion:

• I don't remember anyone. No seriously. I spent the last 2 years of high school trying my best to be as invisible as possible. I did a pretty good job. Any moment not spent trying to be invisible, was trying to fly under the radar as much as possible. I was not cool. Or popular. They were not the "best years of my life". So while there are some (very, very few) names I recognize- student council reps and such, I don't actually have face to name recognition for very many people. I am pretty sure they don't know who I am either, so it's ok. It was a defense mechanism. But also partly because there were a hell of a lot of people that graduated with me. How do you meet and be friends with 1000 people? you don't. 
• Anyone I DO remember or would actually want to talk to, I ALREADY DO. I don't need to go and 're-kindle connections' with people. I have facebook. If I want to be your friend/remember you as a non sucking person/ wish to see or speak to you, I am already doing it. What do I need with the other 985 people I graduated with? 
• This town is a magnet, People like boomerangs. They leave, and come back eventually. I don't need a reunion because there is one every time I go to Target, etc. Most of my local friends, I knew in high school. 
• I am not married and don't have babies. This of course makes me a gigantic failure in life. Not even a fiance. Or at very least a boyfriend! The Horror! Not to mention the 15 pounds I would need to lose to even feel half way not obese. Or the 45 I would have to lose to be back at my high school weight. 
• I do not have a glamorous job with a fantastic title. No one hears what I do for a living and imagines me jet setting around the world wearing fantastic clothes. This is how I pictured myself when I was in high school, and I blame chick lit! Novels in which the main character is always a magazine editor (an extinct job, p.s.) and super fabulous. Not that I don't love what I do. I DO. Being a teacher is amazing. It's also the chosen profession of about 45% of my class. It is not unique, or cool, or something to be like, 'well I'm not married/a mother, but at least I am a fantastic fill in the blank awesome job making millions of dollars a minute!' It was the fall back career of many, and I don't FEEL like I've been super successful. (So to recap, I'm not rich, famous, married, a mommy, OR skinny. Yea, why would I go?). 
• 96% of the people I did graduate with confuse me for my little sister (who, incidentally, IS married and will have a baby by the time this reunion happens. Making her > me in this story). This confusion is because a) I was trying to be invisible while she was a varsity cheerleader and b) how many ridiculously short girls can there be in one school? Obviously we were either twins or the same person. Unobservant people think we look exactly alike. These people are of course idiots. Spending a whole night with people either thinking I AM my sister, or asking me ABOUT my sister is not a fun night for me, no matter how far I have come on the forgiving her becoming closer to her journey. 
• The remaining 4% of people who actually DO know that I am my own person or who I am, they do because of terrible nasty rumors/perversions of truth that ran wild about me when I was in high school (see: trying to be as invisible as possible). Even if they haven't heard the terrible things about me, I assume they do. I walk in defensive. Like oh you think you know what happened, well screw you and stop looking at me like that. I can't help it. I want people to love me and I don't know who knows what. It makes me suspicious and defensive and I'm working on it ok! It's why "went to my high school" is a deal breaker when thinking about dating someone. And why a potential love match would not be on the table at said reunion (my mom's reason for me to go). 

And here are the reasons I WOULD go to my high school reunion:

• Everyone else is doing it.  (at least, according to facebook.)  *insert irony here*

(Drumroll) and now the connection to the title...... (YOU thought I forgot.) 

American Pie (remember that movie!?) came out when I was in high school. It was the first R movie I saw by myself (with my friend, no parents). It was a BIG DEAL. I vividly remember going to go see it. I own the VHS. Well, while there have been many sequels and additions, the original American Pie cast has made a movie releasing in April where they have their (wait for it) High school reunion! OMG how totally perfect. :) I of course have to go see it. And I'm hoping that maybe going to see the reunion movie will somehow count for going to my own reunion. Or at least sway me one way or another. 

Hope you enjoyed my long rambling blog. Now to grade some spelling tests. :) Or go to bed. We will see. 

February - Deceptively long

Even longer than usual (thanks leap year!), February was decidedly less suck than usual. For the past 12 years this month has brought with it bad news, depressing, anxiety, and bad memories. This year I did NOT fall into a deep hole of depression (and without meds too!!). I did NOT skip work cuz I couldn't get out of bed. I did NOT think about/ dwell on things or people from the past. I did NOT stop doing my best every day.

I am a little more than a little proud of myself. This may finally be the year I let it go. Lots of it. 12 years (3 if you are only counting by leap years). It's time. Time to let both of them go. And everything that happened. Not let those things define me anymore.

So in related news -
Last weekend I went to SING at BU. It was my 10th consecutive SING, a tradition I am not about to give up. For many a February, SING was the only thing getting me through to the end of the month. They had a photo booth and so Mere and I took a picture of us proclaiming our awesomeness of the 10th year of SING. I am not showing you the picture because I was looking to the side and my eyes look like I am "special". Not cute.  But in the set of pictures is a picture of two little old ladies who are like 80 maybe. When we are 80, I hope we are taking another picture at SING.  The brother did very well at SING, scoring the acts like a pro. Even picked the winner (I guess I am out of the target demographic as I did not quite get it like he did). My first SING was the 50th year anniversary, and this year was the 60th. It is crazy to me that it has been that long. That I have gone to this event for 10 years - during college, while I lived in Boston, and when I became a grown up with real jobs. I still love everything about SING. I hope to be at the 70, 80, 90 and 100th year anniversary shows! No matter how well adjusted I become, SING will always be my favorite part of February. I just love it. I can't believe it's been 10 years, it seems like yesterday I was in college!


Just to throw it out there - This time last year (when I was at SING), I had already gotten the first letter letting me know they were *probably* totally letting me go due to budget. I was already wishing and hoping to be saved. I was pretty much already laid off. This month I have been on eggshells. I am freaking out a tiny little bit. I just really really want to keep my job. I will not feel safe until I get to sign a contract. And really, anything could still happen. It's hard to do my best while worrying. Everything I do I second guess, wondering if that is the one thing that could lose me my contract- even when I'm doing the right thing! It's not the best way to live but it's a reality. SO while February was not sucko for the usual reasons, I am nervous about my future. I have really enjoyed this year. This February I was the happiest I have been in such a long time. I even had a great valentines day, even though I didn't have a boyfriend. Last year I had one who said he loved me, and I was 100 times happier this year than last. It's amazing. I am in such a good place, until I start to worry about contracts. So I hope I get one soon, Like for reals.

February in the bag. It's all downhill from here. :)

OK SERIOUSLY?

I was all zenning out on my positivity train. I was rolling along. Barely pulled out of the "it's not so bad" station. Thought I would catch up on my Blogs I Stalk.

I open POSTSECRET

THE FIRST 3 EFFING SECRETS ARE ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.

I will not be ashamed. I cried. Big. Fat. Tears. (not of joy).

You see, (and I hope I'm not going to get in trouble for posting this, so don't tell no bodies)

My sister is now engaged getting married sometime next month. (pushed up from the original March)
Now as they are in the military, this February ceremony will be "just the marriage". Wedding (read lavish affair) to follow sometime next year or so. Sunday, when the news was first announced, the bridal party for the marriage (again, do not confuse with wedding to happen sometime in future) was going to consist of: bride, groom, groom's brother, myself. Witnessed by bride's brother, and parents of bride and groom.  My presence was at very least required.

With the push from March to February of marriage, I was informed today that my presence was no longer required at marriage. Just parents of each, bride, groom.  Not going to lie- If my (little) sister is going to get married (before me) being told my presence is not required really just makes me feel more like shit. Of course, if money and schedules allow, I will of course be welcome at the February event (I think, It felt like backtracking). We won't know till later in the week when this blessed event may possibly occur. Honestly it could be tomorrow at this point. I guess I need to sit tight and watch the storm story as it develops.


In addition - by the end of this year, all members of the 4H AND MY SISTER will be married. Which brings me back to "I'm going to die alone" station.

This train needs to get back on track. SIGH.

positivity police

That last post (my 50th for those keeping track at home) was really a downer. Yes, that's how I feel. I still could really cry like 3 more times. But 99% of what I'm upset/frustrated/sad about is 100% out of my control. I can only do the best I can do.

So, in an effort to be more positive, here are some good things that I totally CAN blog about.

-I took my christmas tree down (don't ask about my menorah, charlie brown christmas tree, or snowman decoration- cuz they are totally still hanging around)  and put all the ornaments in these super fancy ornament organizer storage containers I got. Organization for the win!

-Last friday we got an email stating the workroom refrigerators were going to be cleaned out over the long weekend and to get everything out (or else very much implied). I had a busy day Friday and accidently left my super awesome really nice lunch box (with real fork inside!) in the fridge. I remembered as I pulled into my apartment complex friday afternoon. I fretted all weekend about my poor lunch box, and today when I got to work, it was still there! Highlight of my day - not losing my lunch box and silverware.

-Had my yearly check up at the gyno on Monday. Every year since college she has said something about me being overweight. Last year was the heaviest I've ever been (she was not pleased). This year when I went I am down 13 pounds from last year!! She was very impressed with my efforts (although she did fuss at me for not eating fruit. but fruit is gross. I'll eat veggies all day, don't make me eat fruit!). Win!

-No matter what anyone says, I KNOW I am doing my best at work. Could I do better at some things? Yes, everyone could. But I give it my all and that's all anyone can ask of me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hopefully it will be enough. And WHEN I DO get my contract for next year, I'm throwing the biggest most amazing party ever. So there.

I'm going to work hard to find some more things. Power of positive thinking and all that.

I'm still sad - but it's not all Debbie Downer town.

that very special time of the year

Welcome to deep winter- inevitably a terrible (or at least stressful) time for me. This year is proving to be no exception. Usually I can make it to February before the crap hits the fan, but this year crappiness came early. Awesome.

So let's review.

Last week I had pneumonia. I'm still coughing up a lung on a regular basis.

Ok
it occurs to me that the rest of the "crappiness" is not things I can actually blog about yet/ever. Well that's frustrating.

it's either about :
work/school (have you heard the story about how I'm scared to death I won't get a contract this year? It's an oldie but a goodie. welcome to panic season.)
friends
family
legal


I guess I can say that I hate everything about my apartment.. it's too small, my furniture sucks, there's no place to put anything. I would really like to move somewhere. feel a little bit like I'm moving up in my life. to not still be in the same place after all the drama of the last 3 years. I can't until the summer (and after i get a contract) but I'm looking (and watching many many hours of House Hunters.) Friday night my parents who have apparently lost their minds spent the better part of the night trying to convince me to move in to their house. With them. Yea-hell no. The deal? I would get "the whole upstairs" for the low price of $400 per month (utilities included!) the being treated like a 12 year old, constant nagging, and no privacy free! I told my dad that about the ONLY thing I have going for my life right now is that I DON'T live with my parents.

I feel sad. and anxious. and pretty much a failure (at everything), and 100% like I'm going to die alone.
I could pretty much cry at like anything. which is not professional or grown up or anything. I am going to try really really hard not to cry during my appeal hearing next week.

is it spring yet?

Sic 'Em

Tomorrow my little baby brother goes to college. He is Baylor bound, following in the footsteps of yours truly. This obviously make him smart. :) As I have to go back to work tomorrow, I find myself super jealous that he gets to go to college. I hope he takes advantage of the time. College rocks.

When I was in college I think I learned a lot. Most of all I learned that the many "fairies" that I thought did all sorts of chores do not actually exist! Now, as an adult, I find myself still wishing the fairies would show up.
The following fairies have let me down over the years....

• Dishes fairy, and her cousin, empty the dishwasher fairy
• Laundry fairies (the twins, wash AND fold)
• clean the floors fairy
• pay the bills fairy
• fill the car with gas fairy
• bathroom cleaning fairy
• job fairy
• make the bed fairy
• put things away fairy
• bank account full fairy

It's amazing all the things that have to be done when you are a grown up. :-P 

Anyway, I would do college again in an instant. But instead I have to go to work tomorrow. And then come home and do all the things the fairies were supposed to do. 

I made my brother take a picture with me in our line jerseys. (I was just thrilled my line jersey fit!)

9 years later, another fantastic decision! 

Sic 'em Bears!

:)

So far, so fast

This is my 30th post on this blog. Seems like a nice even number, so I thought I would commemorate. If I had done one a day, it would be a month's worth of posts. Since I didn't, it's about 2 months of posts (still not a bad average).

I am so far from where I started just 30 posts ago. At the beginning, I didn't have a job. I had all my teaching stuff piled in my parent's garage. I had filed for unemployment. I had a boyfriend (ok, that change was MY decision, but still.)

Today, I spent my second day trying to put together my classroom. A classroom I didn't even fathom having 2 months ago. I have a contract for the year, and I'm going to teach 2nd grade. Somehow.

I'm so thankful to have a classroom to move into. To get to keep teaching. To get to keep doing something I love despite all the turmoil in the field. To get my stuff out of the garage (cuz dude, it's like 200 degrees in there!). I really am, I promise. I know I'm supposed to teach.

I am going to miss teaching middle school. There is no way around that. I loved teaching journalism and I know I made a significant difference with my j-babies. I want to cry all the time mourning the loss of what I thought would be "the perfect job." I am trying to tell myself that that job from last year no longer exists, and I will never again have a group of j-babies that were so eager to learn and needed me so much. Sometimes you are just put with groups of kids for a reason, and I will never have a group like them again. But I miss them. A lot. I was confirmed again yesterday from an old student (daughter of a teacher at my new school, and former occupant of my current room, so she helped me arrange desks) that I really did make a difference for her, and she learned many IMPORTANT THINGS. She also was able to tell her mom that my favorite color is blue, not to share mascara, and about the inverted pyramid. :)

I am having a hard time being excited about 2nd grade. I'm such a perfectionist and I want to do things 'right', and right now I don't quite know what that looks like. Which makes me doubt myself, and panic, and worry, and be overwhelmed and cry. I just want to do a good job. I want to love this year. I want to feel confident that I am going to do the right things (and get to keep my job.....) Some of the "cutesy" things that my team mates are doing I roll my eyes at (I maintain a no glitter zone in my room). All my resource books are for grades 4-6. I feel wildly unprepared. I have no idea how on earth I am going to level and sort and label all my books for my classroom library by the end of the week.

Today I only got as far as putting up my calendar center, because math is my weakness so I wanted to get it out of the way. Also, the A/C wasn't quite kicked on in the building and it is so freaking hot (109 in my car on the way home) so I wanted something quick to finish and go home. Tomorrow and Thursday I have a workshop so I won't really get to work in my room. Then inservice week, meet the teacher night, and school.  It's almost here, so I am trying to get it together and get excited.

No Fear- :)

Faith part 2

This morning AD and I went to Temple. It was our second attempt to go to this congregation, and I liked it a lot better this time. I will admit I was totally weepy the whole time. From the first song (one of my favorites) I was tearing up. I couldn't even sing (which is probably a blessing for everyone within earshot). I spent the majority of the service thinking about Baby James, praying for peace for him and his family. It was especially hard not to think of him when the cutest, sweetest little boy ended up sitting in front of us. He smiled at me often and looked like how I imagine James would look if he had gotten to be a bit older. The past few days my heart has been breaking for the Sikes family, and I don't even know how to finish this sentence. They have been on my mind and heart, and I was devastated this afternoon when I learned that James made his way to heaven today.

The sermon today was about being in 'the wilderness' and how He blesses us. It was very good. Powerful. Fitting. Thought provoking.

Today I realized:
I take on a lot. I very rarely have peace about anything. The anxiety monster keeps my head spinning and analyzing long after decisions (should) have been made. I am scared beyond all reason nervous about this upcoming school year. I am sad that my first year of teaching served to instill a constant sense of fear and insecurity in me about my ability. I felt like such a bad teacher today when the children came back from their classes in the middle of the sermon, making a huge disruption, and I was irritated. But it is OK to not be in love with every child at every moment in every situation (I think).
I need to stop being afraid. I need to remember to trust. So that's what I asked for today- a year without fear. To start this year- at this school -with this class -unafraid. Not worrying about what will happen at contract time. To be in the moment as it happens and not worry about everything. To love every moment for what it is, without being bogged down in fear. I will probably need help. And reminders. But I think the fear and self doubt is my worst enemy, and without them I can surely succeed.

Sorry for the heaviness. A much more lighthearted post tomorrow, I promise.

:)

Thankfulness & Faith

It's easy to complain. It was easy these past few months to be overtaken by the disappointments and hardness of the situations I found myself in. It is easy for anyone to get caught up in their own junk and be sad/mad/frustrated/whatever. My small source of strength during this time was/is the now super popular saying "keep calm and carry on." Similar to "don't sweat the small stuff," this phrase was to remind me to just keep going. Because life is hard and you just have to step up. I am not going to discuss my faith, mostly because I am still figuring it out. But I did put a lot of trust in "Keep calm and carry on" because I needed to trust and have faith that things were going to work out. Now I need to have faith that where I ended up is the right place for me.

During this time, it would have been really easy to go all woe is me and I tried really hard not to. There are other people out there who have it way worse than me. There are people I know who still don't have jobs. There are people I know and love who are suffering much greater challenges, with much more grace than I ever could. I think it is important to remember and recognize that. As my Uncle likes to say, "times are tough all over." (Yes, I know he stole it from somewhere else, but I'm on a roll and refuse to look for a citation.) Sometimes it is the struggles of others that make you thankful for what you have.

Today I am thankful that this time was quick for me. It could have stretched on for a long time, and I was preparing for it to. I am thankful that I didn't have to sacrifice more than I did. I am thankful that this situation made me realize just how badly I want to teach. And if that means 2nd grade for awhile, then thats where I'll be.

So where is this coming from you might ask? A certain story I saw today that is more connected to me than I first realized. My friend HD (who awesomely follows my blog) posted a link on her facebook today to the story of baby James. Now I am warning you, you will most likely cry your eyes out when you read it. I did. Seems innocent enough- sad story passed along by a friend, these things happen on the internet all the time. In fact, most of the comments on the blog start out, "you don't know me but....(hopeful message)." Which is great, because this family is truly going through a terrible time. 3 weeks ago everything was fine, and now tragedy. They need love and support. To feel connected and that they are not alone. The internet is great for these things.

As I was reading I realized 2 things. #1- My friend Mallory (whose blog I follow and is a sorority sister) posted about baby james almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't pay much attention to it then, but it also didn't have the blog link. I thought oh, that's sad, and moved on worrying about my own life (selfish selfish!!). Which led me to realization #2 - Mallory knows James' parents personally, because they went to Baylor. When I started reading the blog I realized I have probably met them as well. Apparently we were all in Oxford together the same summer for study abroad. Now I feel terrible that I cannot for the life of me remember them. But it was 6 years ago, and I did hang with my own small group. But really the whole group was not that big and I feel like I should remember them (however, I am terrible about remembering people...). It's crazy when something comes right back around to being more personal that you thought it was. I've eaten meals with these people; been on planes and trains with them. Their story could happen to me, my friends, anyone.

The point is this: it's a small world. We are all connected and everyone is going through something. So be kind to others and be grateful for what you have. Have faith in something bigger than yourself. Hold on to those you love. Be thankful.

:)

Mission Accomplished. (now what?)

Signed my contract today!!!! Officially re-employed and going to be teaching 2nd grade. Guess I'm one of the 325, not 45 after all. :)

2nd grade. Scary. And a huge change since I have never taught self-contained. My favorite part of middle school was that after 55 minutes, you got whole new kids. I really have to change my whole thinking for 2nd grade. And they are so little! Huge pro- no state testing in 2nd grade. So even though I will have the same kids all day long, there is no state test to stress about. Just their reading scores. And I can teach some reading. And I have a 2 day workshop at the end of the month for Foundations of Math, so that my class isn't nearly as math inept as their teacher. :)

In related news, the teacher stuff is out at the target dollar section. Watch out, there is some good stuff this year. And if my mom asks, I totally didn't buy anything. I have my Walmart list put together too (clipboards!), but it will be a few more weeks before their school stuff goes on mega sale.


So, few wrap up questions... how long can I continue to collect unemployment? How long do I have to continue to work my part time job? And now what do I stress about, besides how to teach 2nd grade which I'm super nervous about, not gonna lie. It feels good to have a plan for next year, maybe now I can enjoy what is left of my summer. But really there is still a lot that is going to be difficult about this year. Total honesty- my biggest hurdle is going to be not stressing about getting my contract renewed. If I can just keep focused on the task at hand and stay positive then I think I'll be ok.

OH! I almost forgot the other big news; the reason why staying calm is going to be a challenge. I am officially off anti-depressants. I sort of stopped taking them because I didn't have any refills and didn't think I could afford to go to my Dr. And now that I'm off I don't really want to go back on unless I have like a total breakdown halfway through the year. So we will see how that goes.

I think that's all in the big news category. Hopefully everything works out and 2nd grade is where I'm supposed to be.

:)