whore logic

I've written this post like 30 times in my head, and for awhile thought I had already posted it. So forgive the disjointed-ness.  Here we go...

I was selected for jury duty. (Yes, this is now almost 2 full weeks ago, where did summer go!?) I'm expected to say it was horrible, but it totally wasn't. It was kinda cool. And a little awesome. And both boring/tedious and interesting/exciting at the same time. Yes I spent 4 full days trapped in a room with 11 other people I didn't know. It was nothing at all like TV - not fast paced, or very action packed. But it was a little fun. And I feel bad saying that, since obviously for the defendant (who was very, very guilt) it was so not fun. I have a much better understanding of how the justice system ACTUALLY works (way different that in theory). So where does the title of this blog come from? Tucker Max.

See, I went to jury duty the day I got back from spending the weekend in VA hosting my sister's baby shower (more on that later). Whenever I go on a plane trip I load up my nook with books so I have plenty to read on the plane. I loaded Tucker Max's last book (and a half) on my nook and never got around to reading them. So every time we got sent into the deliberation room so the lawyers could hash out some legality of a motion or witness or just object at each other off the record (we spent more time in this room than the actual court. Yea.) I was reading Hilarity Ensues (and Sloppy Seconds). And man is Tucker Max right- going to law school is a stupid decision if it ends in being a lawyer. I'm pretty sure the lawyers were more miserable than the dude about to go to prison. It was really kind of perfect to be reading HE/SS during jury duty. It made all the objecting funnier. And the logic the defense attorney was trying to use? Whore logic if I ever heard it. SO much whore logic.

Which led me to my goal for the summer. I want to be hot (read:skinny) enough for Tucker Max to want to sleep with me. Yes, it's a little vague. As previously mentioned I lost 22 pounds this year (birthday to birthday). But since summer started and I ruined my sleep schedule and metabolism, (also I blame jury duty- sitting and snacking!) somewhere between 3 and 5  5 and 7 pounds is slipping back on. I don't feel like I look all that different than last year - my face is still fat. But I have worn 3 dresses this month that I bought and last wore almost 3 years ago! 2 dress sizes down and I still feel kinda gross. So my goal is that if I ran into Tucker Max (or ya know, any other asshole type guy) they wouldn't call me fat. I re-upped my personal training and have even been going to the gym voluntarily. Now I just have to get my eating habits under control. I'm pretty sure laying in bed until I'm starving to death and then eating the fastest (usually carb packed) option to avoid dying is not a good plan.

Anyway, I have some more but it requires uploading pictures so I'll save it for later. Off to work on my body.

:)

I got it!!

Hello friends! I have no idea how this will turn out because I am writing it on my phone (not even on an app or anything) because my computer hates blogger suddenly. Wtf. Anyway just stopped by to give you important employment updates. For the first time in at least 4 summers, I don't have to look for a job!!!! I signed my contract today so at least I know I get to stay at my school this year!! I am so relieved and unburdened and happy and excited and validated. I am happy this is the school I get to stay (at)*. *too excited to change this sentence structure but I do recognize it- haven't totally lost my mind lol. My face is especially thankful, as my stress pimples were developing their own stress pimples. My shoulders are lighter and I get to stop worrying!! Now I just have to cross my fingers I get to stay in second grade-- grade assignments coming later. Whoo!!! In other news (yes I have some!) I started my trial week at crossfit* (I have no idea why my iphone keeps autocorrecting crossfit to crissfit, but I'm working on it. Then I couldn't figure out how to edit the post on my phone. So if you see me type crissfit, know I mean crossfit. K thanks)*. I'm sore and tired but I think I'll really like it. Also I totally cannot breathe due to allergies (I think) and my dr won't refill my Rx until I go see him - it is possible I haven't seen him in like 2 years... So that has to happen soon. Soo did I mention I signed my contract? Just wanted to make sure. Thanks for all your support! It's been a great year. Love- me. :)

cuteness

So I have a quasi-serious question for my blog-friends. I have been on match for 5 months now, and no one wants to date me. I only have one more month of the 6 month guarantee -match executives think I should have found love by now. I have been on 2 dates and one "lets grab coffee and catch up" with someone I knew from high school (so I'm not sure it counts). I haven't been dating like I'm paying for a dating service...and now I feel very defeated. So now I have to ask.

What's wrong with me?
Am I not cute?

 I used to think I was a pretty cute girl. Not conventionally pretty, no one would mistake me for a model, but I thought I was moderately good looking. Now I used to be really skinny. I know that in the past few years I have put on some weight, but other than some squishy middle parts I don't think I'm horribly repulsive or anything. The boys I have dated were of average build. Not ripped like an abercrombie model, but without many squishy parts if you know what I mean. I know the boys I have dated had a certain bad boy look, but they were pretty cute. Not ugly or anything. I just don't understand. All the people on match who have been interested in me, are NOT CUTE. I'm not attracted to them. But they want me. There seems to be something about me that 200-300 lb men love. I've never been into the big and round look. I'm trying not to be mean and superficial, I know big kids need love too. And I'm not trying to throw stones, I know I'm not at my fighting weight. But seriously? The boys who I think are cute (based on profile pictures that let's be honest could be fake) always say "no thanks" or don't respond to me. Making me more confused about the situation. I just am not into guys I can't physically put my arms around to hug. So do I need to lose more weight to get the guys I want? Or is this what I'm stuck with. Am I really just not cute.
Help!

Sickness

So remember that list of things I needed to do from the last blog? I have accomplished 3 of those things.
-Report cards (really no choice there)
-oil changed (again, not really optional)
-laundry - just enough for clothes for work really.

In the meantime, I had a fantastic time at the wedding and somewhere along the way got....pneumonia!
AWESOME. I mean who doesn't want a kick butt lung infection? Yes, I made it through 4 days of work last week, came home with a 101.2 fever on Thursday, called in sick Friday and went to the Dr.
At the Dr. I'm expecting the typical oh its the flu (never mind I got my flu shot), we can't do anything etc. So when the Dr. sent me for a chest X ray I was mad. Mad I was going to have to pay for this radiology when I thought it would be clear like it was 2 summers ago when I coughed for 3 months and all my chest X rays were clear.
When the Dr. came back and said there was pneumonia in my right lung I took back being upset about the X ray. Who gets pneumonia?! More proof that my body hates me. Coughing, by the way, is a fantastic ab work out. They have never been so sore!
Took today to make sure I was no longer contagious or feverish, and will be back at work tomorrow. Yes I'm still coughing, but I'm getting a little bored laying in bed all day.

Meanwhile, I have been watching a Suzy Orman marathon on TV today. I am determined to get my money situation in order this year.  I did really well last year. I zero balanced one credit card and paid off about 1/4 of my outstanding debt. But as much as I'm tracking and paying off, I'm still not REALLY changing my spending habits. I need to work on that. One of my favorite shows is "Till debt do us part" on CNN at night. Its couples with way more debt than me and they get their butts handed to them by this bossy Canadian woman. Kinda like a supernanny for finances. It makes me feel better, and renews my motivation to get it paid off.

So, again, I have pneumonia, and I'm trying to work my way down my to do list.
Wish me luck!

ugly mirror

I cannot listen to the Adele song "Someone like you" anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's a fantastically beautiful song, well sung with powerful lyrics. Too powerful. It is so all about how I'm feeling about asshat that when I hear it, it's like a big mirror to my life. A big ugly mirror and I do NOT like what I see. shudder. Don't you hate that? It's been a year since I decided to stop talking to him, and 3 months since he realized I stopped talking to him and needed me back, only to snub me once again. Jerk.

In the meantime, I have lost 10 pounds from my new year's weight. 10 pounds in a year  6 months, PLUS the 7 I put on in the 6 months or so I dated SJ. Another reason he was bad for me. *to be honest, I don't feel that different. I'm only down one pants size, and I still feel fat. I have a long way to go.*
So to celebrate my loss of 17lbs since May, I signed up for match.com.  Everyone else was doing it.

It's been a day, no one wants to marry me yet. I find this quite disappointing.

Will keep you posted.
(meanwhile, I got my first message in like 3 month on my pof account. I guess when you tell the universe you are ready - or rub the "F-You" stamp off your forehead as CS says- then the universe responds. He was a dud though. Still looking...)

Head above water

Sorry it's been so long, school has sucked me in.
My status on FB on this day in 2009 (p.s. how creepy is that feature!) said, "today is the first day I don't feel like I'm drowning. I must have forgotten something."

Ah first year of teaching... fond memories. haha. Today I still feel a little drowning-ish. maybe more like treading water. All my reading testing is done! (now I just have to analyze the results) and I came up with an amazing writing lesson on the fly yesterday. My kids are well behaved in front of others (the librarian gave us a compliment, which is like totally huge for me), and I only made a handful cry this week. ;) j/k!

Most importantly, I left school before 5:00 pm 2 days in a row!!! That must mean I'm forgetting to do something.. oh well. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but 2nd grade is hard y'all!

In other news, I finally broke up with my trainer (about a month coming, and with the help of Courtney since I am so non-confrontational), since I lost more weight in the past 2 weeks NOT going to the gym than I did in the 2 months he was being an ass to me training me. I have my first work out with my NEW trainer on Friday -- If I can keep up this current trend of leaving school.

Saturday I am taking Ashley to the Third Day concert for her early birthday! And am working on planning Mere's bachelorette party. :) Busy busy, so I apologize for my blog absence.

I think that's the wrap up.  If I can continue to tread water for another week I think I'll be able to get this whole elementary thing down.  And bonus! Early release day next week. :) Love it.

Love you, Miss you, will try to do better.

xxx
Sarah :)

Not happily ever after

Friends with benefits is hilarious. Super great movie, would totally watch again.

Except for the last 20 minutes. You know, when they inevitably fall in love and live happily ever after.

SOO not what happens in real life. Been there, done that, he is NOT in love with me. I am  NOT living happily ever after. (According to last night's totally not planned stalking, he is all sorts of happily ever after. so that's awesome. as was being stared down at the gym by his skinnier than me ex-girlfriend this morning.)

Which really is just the theme of my day today - not happily ever after.

Also known as "everyone else is having a much better life than me" day.

I either need a hamburger, or to go to the gym.

gym fail

X is gunning for a big fat face punch. This morning I got to the gym 10 minutes before my appointment to warm up. An appointment I told him when we made it that it was too early, but he was booked later in the day and I had other obligations this afternoon. It was hard for me to get out of bed, and all I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep. The fact that I got up, dressed, and out the door was an accomplishment in itself. And what greets me at the gym? X, "I'm disappointed that you are 5 minutes late. You are supposed to be here with enough time for a 15 minute warm up." Excuse me? You're gonna bitch at me for 5 minutes? I'm here. Which I explained to him, that my goal was to get to the gym. Period. His response? "My goal is to give you a good work out. Don't you care about my goal?" Um no, I don't. You get paid either way. You are here either way. Back on off my butt.

After a fairly OK workout, meaning I didn't complain too much or give up in the middle of the torture, I got a lecture.

From a 20 year old.

About my diet.

Which we already disagree about, as X thinks I should be paleo, and I am doing weight watchers so that I don't kill people. (See "points v. paleo" post from June.)

I don't need a lecture from a 20 year old boy about how he is disappointed that I'm not trying. Especially when said lecture included criticism about my high stress level (which I have zero control over- I've tried), my love of naps, my love of carbs, and how HE thinks I'm depressed. Oh good, tell the girl who just stopped medicating you think she's depressed. Where is your medical degree? Oh you don't have one because you go to community college and live with your parents. When I was 20 I was skinny too, cuz my life was easy(er), my metabolism rocked, and not much stressed me. I hadn't been unemployed twice. I hadn't changed schools and grades 3 times in 3 years (insecurity level= off the charts). I stopped taking the antidepressants because they made me fat. I'm not going back on. Even if I am stressed out of my mind (yes, still.)

And after this lovely lecture, he weighed me, because he is evil, and in the 2 months I've been going to the gym and making better food choices, I have GAINED weight. And body fat %. How is that even possible? Go to gym and GAIN weight? Only me. Only because my body hates me. I am so de-motivated, and telling me you're disappointed doesn't make me want to work harder. I'm not doing this for you. Get out of my face or get punched in yours.

I would switch trainers, as X is bent on treating me like a 5 year old, but I already switched trainers once. Switching twice in 2 months makes me look bad (I am guessing), which I HATE. Like I'm not insecure enough I have to burn through trainers. Which obviously makes it a "me" problem, not a trainer problem. Since I'm obviously a gym failure the last thing I want to do is switch trainers again and prove it.

Somehow I am going to have to gather enough balls to have a come to Jesus meeting with X on Tuesday. Or tell my body to stop holding on to fat, as being stressed is a way of life for me for the foreseeable future.

Conclusion- My body hates me. I just want to be one of those naturally skinny people. I want my body/brain to deal with stress better. And I want 20 year old trainers to back off. The gym should make you feel good, not bad. Where are all these endorphins I always hear about?

:)