whore logic

I've written this post like 30 times in my head, and for awhile thought I had already posted it. So forgive the disjointed-ness.  Here we go...

I was selected for jury duty. (Yes, this is now almost 2 full weeks ago, where did summer go!?) I'm expected to say it was horrible, but it totally wasn't. It was kinda cool. And a little awesome. And both boring/tedious and interesting/exciting at the same time. Yes I spent 4 full days trapped in a room with 11 other people I didn't know. It was nothing at all like TV - not fast paced, or very action packed. But it was a little fun. And I feel bad saying that, since obviously for the defendant (who was very, very guilt) it was so not fun. I have a much better understanding of how the justice system ACTUALLY works (way different that in theory). So where does the title of this blog come from? Tucker Max.

See, I went to jury duty the day I got back from spending the weekend in VA hosting my sister's baby shower (more on that later). Whenever I go on a plane trip I load up my nook with books so I have plenty to read on the plane. I loaded Tucker Max's last book (and a half) on my nook and never got around to reading them. So every time we got sent into the deliberation room so the lawyers could hash out some legality of a motion or witness or just object at each other off the record (we spent more time in this room than the actual court. Yea.) I was reading Hilarity Ensues (and Sloppy Seconds). And man is Tucker Max right- going to law school is a stupid decision if it ends in being a lawyer. I'm pretty sure the lawyers were more miserable than the dude about to go to prison. It was really kind of perfect to be reading HE/SS during jury duty. It made all the objecting funnier. And the logic the defense attorney was trying to use? Whore logic if I ever heard it. SO much whore logic.

Which led me to my goal for the summer. I want to be hot (read:skinny) enough for Tucker Max to want to sleep with me. Yes, it's a little vague. As previously mentioned I lost 22 pounds this year (birthday to birthday). But since summer started and I ruined my sleep schedule and metabolism, (also I blame jury duty- sitting and snacking!) somewhere between 3 and 5  5 and 7 pounds is slipping back on. I don't feel like I look all that different than last year - my face is still fat. But I have worn 3 dresses this month that I bought and last wore almost 3 years ago! 2 dress sizes down and I still feel kinda gross. So my goal is that if I ran into Tucker Max (or ya know, any other asshole type guy) they wouldn't call me fat. I re-upped my personal training and have even been going to the gym voluntarily. Now I just have to get my eating habits under control. I'm pretty sure laying in bed until I'm starving to death and then eating the fastest (usually carb packed) option to avoid dying is not a good plan.

Anyway, I have some more but it requires uploading pictures so I'll save it for later. Off to work on my body.

:)

Balls to the wall...sorta

Someone asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. My response? "I wanna go balls to the wall, but only for like 2 hours. Then I want to go to bed."
Yep. Lame. I am getting old and it's showing. Going out and getting crazy is soo not in my game plan. As it was, I had a fantastic birthday (week) with plenty of cake and good friends.  As far as birthdays go, Facebook is helpful- as much as it is sometimes surprising to see who DOES wish you a happy birthday, it is almost as surprising who DOESN'T wish you a happy birthday. I was a little shocked at who didn't, but I guess that's how you know who your true friends are. At least I know.  My good friends did treat me right (and put up with my over enthusiasm about my special week day). SO thank you.
I had a bit of a problem with my candles. You see, for the last 3 years I have always used my birthday wish to wish for a job. A contract. To teach. This year, I already have my contract for next year, so I was at a loss for what to wish for. I think I may have wasted my wish. Oh well.

OH! I officially lost 22 pounds this year - from birthday to birthday. Still some work to do, but a pretty good year!
---
Cool feeling- when you think you are talking to one person on text, and it turns out you are actually talking to someone else. Moral of the story? I know too many people named Matt.
---
In other news, Friday I kidnapped Courtney and made her run errands with me. While we were driving, this happened.  (paraphrased to the best of my memory)

Flo Rida- Wild Ones on the radio

Me: this song is so dirty, but I love it. Especially the home run part.

Courtney: What? This song is about true love.

Me: Um, No. How exactly do you get that?

Courtney: She says "If I took your HEART it'd be a home run" Like, you're a player but if you gave me your heart it would be the real thing.

Me: Oh no. She says, "If I took you HOME it'd be a home run" Like if you come home with me you will totally tap this. It's about hooking up. in a wild way.

Courtney: ..... you just totally ruined this song for me.


HAHA this is my life people. :) Hope you enjoyed.

2 weeks left of school, so forgive me for this all being a bit disjointed. My brain is fried.

I got it!!

Hello friends! I have no idea how this will turn out because I am writing it on my phone (not even on an app or anything) because my computer hates blogger suddenly. Wtf. Anyway just stopped by to give you important employment updates. For the first time in at least 4 summers, I don't have to look for a job!!!! I signed my contract today so at least I know I get to stay at my school this year!! I am so relieved and unburdened and happy and excited and validated. I am happy this is the school I get to stay (at)*. *too excited to change this sentence structure but I do recognize it- haven't totally lost my mind lol. My face is especially thankful, as my stress pimples were developing their own stress pimples. My shoulders are lighter and I get to stop worrying!! Now I just have to cross my fingers I get to stay in second grade-- grade assignments coming later. Whoo!!! In other news (yes I have some!) I started my trial week at crossfit* (I have no idea why my iphone keeps autocorrecting crossfit to crissfit, but I'm working on it. Then I couldn't figure out how to edit the post on my phone. So if you see me type crissfit, know I mean crossfit. K thanks)*. I'm sore and tired but I think I'll really like it. Also I totally cannot breathe due to allergies (I think) and my dr won't refill my Rx until I go see him - it is possible I haven't seen him in like 2 years... So that has to happen soon. Soo did I mention I signed my contract? Just wanted to make sure. Thanks for all your support! It's been a great year. Love- me. :)

cuteness

So I have a quasi-serious question for my blog-friends. I have been on match for 5 months now, and no one wants to date me. I only have one more month of the 6 month guarantee -match executives think I should have found love by now. I have been on 2 dates and one "lets grab coffee and catch up" with someone I knew from high school (so I'm not sure it counts). I haven't been dating like I'm paying for a dating service...and now I feel very defeated. So now I have to ask.

What's wrong with me?
Am I not cute?

 I used to think I was a pretty cute girl. Not conventionally pretty, no one would mistake me for a model, but I thought I was moderately good looking. Now I used to be really skinny. I know that in the past few years I have put on some weight, but other than some squishy middle parts I don't think I'm horribly repulsive or anything. The boys I have dated were of average build. Not ripped like an abercrombie model, but without many squishy parts if you know what I mean. I know the boys I have dated had a certain bad boy look, but they were pretty cute. Not ugly or anything. I just don't understand. All the people on match who have been interested in me, are NOT CUTE. I'm not attracted to them. But they want me. There seems to be something about me that 200-300 lb men love. I've never been into the big and round look. I'm trying not to be mean and superficial, I know big kids need love too. And I'm not trying to throw stones, I know I'm not at my fighting weight. But seriously? The boys who I think are cute (based on profile pictures that let's be honest could be fake) always say "no thanks" or don't respond to me. Making me more confused about the situation. I just am not into guys I can't physically put my arms around to hug. So do I need to lose more weight to get the guys I want? Or is this what I'm stuck with. Am I really just not cute.
Help!

Evolution of a painting

Have you heard of the new trend? It's painting classes where they encourage you to be drinking while trying to copy a painting. It's pretty fun. There are a few different places where you can do this around, each with a clever name. I have gone twice now - once with work and one with twin (she's totally addicted and is trying to go to each different chain to find the best. Then I think we will need to get her a 12 step program or something lol). I really like it. I think it's supposed to be relaxing (what with the drinking) but it is really a roller coaster of emotions! Perfectionists need not apply as it can become a little frustrating.
After thinking about it last night (because I haven't been sleeping) I have come up with the evolution of painting.
Enjoy.

Arrive at class, examine sample.
"I can totally do this. I will hang it in the hall, or maybe my living room. People will ohh and ahh and tell me how artistic I am. This night will be amazing."
Class starts.
"OK, so I'm not quite getting the same color. Blending is hard. Oh no I went too far to the left. Crap. I suck. Maybe if I blend over here a little....nope too much."
"Oh I can just add a little over here and then it's great. Back on track, almost looks like what the teacher is doing. I rock!"
Looks at neighbor's painting
"How did she get that shading? I am a failure at art. I suck. My color is not as "bouncy" (yes, real word the instructor used last night) as that. I'll just go back over with some more of that secondary color."
"CRAP CRAP CRAP. I ruined it. This is going strait into the garbage."
Move on to next section.
"Oh we are going over this part with a tree. I love trees. I will rock at trees."
"Trees are stupid. Branches are stupid. Shading is stupid."
"I'll just dab some more paint over here. flowers/leaves will fix everything."
"Too much!! Abort abort. Crap. Ruined."
Finished!
"This looks nothing like the sample. and nothing like anyone's in the room. I suck."

Home
"From far away, and in the dark... it doesn't look half bad. I am an artist." :)

Here are the pictures from my two experiences. I both love and hate them. They are incidentally both still in the trunk of my car.

Stress management

It's the earliest I've been home from school in a long. long. time.

Today my principal forwarded an email from the professional development department with a flier for a stress management class. I laughed out loud. My first thought was wow I should really take this. Then I remembered I almost failed my stress management class in college. Oh yea, that easy A? Not for me. Total C. Second worst grade I got in college was in stress management. So obviously I am not so good at the managing stress game.
Not to belabor the point, but you know what would make me a whole lot less stressed? a contract. just saying.

SO back to my first sentence. I left school today. While it was light outside.

Stress - Managed.


:)

(concise post accomplished!)

Random Awesome

In case you can't tell, there is A LOT on my mind today.

Really, what happened is I cleared out my DVR over spring break, and now I have NOTHING to watch. Which has left me with two options - do something, or find other distractions.

I did FINALLY clean and organize my bathroom. A chore, that if you look back, I actually started telling you blog friends I was going to do in JULY. And it has actually stayed organized and clean for a whole week!!! This is pretty spectacular. Picture soon.
I have done 1 1/2 loads of laundry today (waiting on the dryer to finish so I can fold it and move the load in the washer to the dryer). I lightly cleaned my kitchen, made a pot of iced tea, and tried a crock pot recipe (that sadly did not turn out well at all and I'll have to try again to scrounge up some dinner pretty soon). I even vacuumed a little and mopped my kitchen floor.  I NEED to get cracking on some grading and portfolio organizing so that I don't get behind again. I really want to go through and organize some math and writing papers, but dude it's just so overwhelming. I need to go grocery shopping, but leaving the house requires a bra and real pants and I am still getting over being sick all week and really am just not up for that.

In my travels on the internet today I found THE most amazing thing ever. I have loved Jen Lancaster (author, blogger, Queen of awesome) for several years now. Bitter is the New Black helped me get through the summer/fall of 2008 and my own unemployment woes. I have been to several book signings and my entire collection of Jen is signed (except her fiction book, which is on my nook). In my blog reading travels I have discovered and read Jenny Lawson's blog theblogges. She's probably like the Arch Duchess of Awesome (only because I've "known" Jen longer). Jenny is local - she writes for the Houston Chronicle in her spare time and lives in Texas. These two ladies are amazing. So the greatest thing ever --- THEY INTERVIEWED EACH OTHER!!! OMG! My two female literary idols talked to each other! I know it's cross promotion (both authors have new books coming out in May, and yes I will be buying both of them. Happy Birthday to ME.) Read the interviews here: JL interviews JL and here:jenny interviews jen (I just realized they are both JL how cool is THAT?!) Jen is skipping Houston on her upcoming book tour this year (BOO! but in all seriousness, in years past it's been at the now closed Borders, so I guess there wasn't a place for it.) BUT Jenny WILL be in Houston (I mean duh, she lives here) on her book tour and I am so there. Yes, I am the kind of english nerd that goes to book signings. Multiple book signings. And has literary idols. And has a tattoo that is from a book. Yep. Nerd alert.  And yet, I haven't read Hunger Games OR the Dragon Tattoo books. Someday.

In other news- I am in the Teacher dance for the school talent show. At practice I learned, that even though I danced for 17 years, I am TOO WHITE to do the party rock shuffle (which, p.s., I didn't know existed until two days ago). As much dancing as I have done in my past, I am currently uncoordinated. It will be a sight to see my friends.

If I am ever going to be a seriously followed blogger like my idols, I should probably learn how to have concise, focused posts. So I'll wrap up for now.

:)